talking of Michaelangelo.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
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thank you // 5:37 am
Monday, February 27, 2006
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// 7:32 am
stewbutt i es pee rueiin-d mm i stewbutt weekend.
fan God i haf WZBQW or i wood bee felli bod.
wow. that was strange.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
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.gentleness. // 6:56 am
Today's post is call gentleness... but I'm really not going to reveal why that is the word today. If you reckon you're close enough to me as a friend to ask me then go ahead and do please ask.
This will be a regular post as there is nothing deep or philosophical or emotional that happened today. I went to TRL today for like 4-5hours! Or thats what it feels like. I went with a little hope and happiness (why?). I love books. But carrying around ref.books makes me feel woozy.
Nothing much happened.
Wang Zi Bian Qing Wa.Because you should listen to your heart.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
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vent // 1:16 am
it's like a curse that can't be lifted. it's like... it's like something that is only a black hole in my heart it's like... it's like i'd never be able to love again or something. but yet you're still so cold and i feel empty because... just because.
and you know what? it hurts because when i hear other people talk about you i feel stupid because i had never been given that opportunity to feel that way or know or... anything.
and that makes me feel so stupid i go out of grammar and i lack sense and tenses and ... everything.
time is running away from me because im stupid. because i think and think and think about the most stupid things because... just because.
Friday, February 24, 2006
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// 7:16 am
lugubrious drollery that's not so droll.
disappointment was evitable.
but the words weren't.
that's why i am saddened.
discouraged.
daunted
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marks aren't everything // 6:08 am
it was expected.
im not happy. im not sad.
im emotionless. for once.
because it was expected.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
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// 8:50 am
sad how naive i still am.
i thought love was like that, when it's not at all.
kanashimi. in my world everything is just maybes.
there is no one telling me
must be
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
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i hate how... // 11:19 am
i cant help but
love you and hurt at the same time.
that's my words of the day. im so tired. i bury myself and bury myself and... all i've found is a bigger hole that i need to climb out of. i hide in mountains of emotions while escaping the fact that i'll never find myself.
twdramas. jdramas. kdramas. they're all emotions. only emotions.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
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// 5:32 am
site down. music won't work. neither will the picture.
hiatus
Monday, February 20, 2006
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// 12:27 pm
i've stopped counting...
have you?
words mean so much to me.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
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since feeling comes first // 3:45 am
I cry because of useless thoughts, but these thoughts, as useless as they are ... are not meaningless. If anything, I know that these thoughts are real and are being etched deeply into my heart.
"He's so lonely... but it seems like there is nothing I can do... but be by his side... just like this..."Do you hear? Do you hear the sound of loneliness, slowly rising?
It comes between us and our forever.
Do you hear? Do you hear the sound of longing, calling to us?
It doesn't matter how far you go, but when you're tired,
you can come back to me, because I'll be by yourside.
[loose translation _ "do you hear?"]
Edit1...Additional Thoughts
"I need to stop thinking like this... it'll only hurt me more."
Honestly, I know exactly how you feel. But unfortunately for me and happily for you... eventually you'll get your happy ending and ... me? I'm just living reality.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
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he is just...... // 10:10 am
The more you hate me, the less I feel ashamed because I deserve to be hated.
Today was a very tiring day. Having slept at 4am last night, I feel like a panda or maybe worse. But I lived through it because I have precious people by my side. I wish I could type chinese on this blog so that I could show you the lyrics to this beautiful song. The song "Meeting You" is more just like "Meeting" ... and it's very beautiful.
And I feel pins and needles.
Your smile gives me strength, I know you didn't know that. I know you
still don't know it, but it does and that's why, I am using a few lines on my blog to tell you that, even though you won't know it, because you won't read it.
It feels a little numb right now, like that type of numb that you feel after being slapped. It's odd isn't it? Really a little odd, because I've never felt what it's like to really be slapped. On the face I mean. I suppose it's odd also because.... well let's not get into anymore because's. I'm sure you've gotten rather... sick with them.
But let's go into thanks instead, several people I got extremely angry with, extremely happy-ed with and extremely thankful for this week:
adalia-what would i have done without you?
heidi-you teach me so much about myself, you know that?
clara-thanks. for everything.
ruth-you care so much.
katrina-you have the most beautiful laugh, thanks.
jac-your perseverance inspires me.
the many of you who offered me hugs, the many of you who gave me strength. i am thanking you. But the last two i'd like to seperate... just because.
you-your smile was enough.
(Though he'd never read this) Mr. Doug Gear-for your patience with pathetic students like me and your diligence in marking papers as well as your grace... without you my marks would be a
puke A rather grande announcement to make which shocked me and makes me feel unreal right now would be that I got early accepted. Yes, not that I'm completely hyperventilating about it... but... I got early accepted. Never in my wildest dreams had I ever thought I'd ever be... early accepted. I had never imagined it. I knew that the chances of me not getting into any was pretty high, but...
early accepted? It's February 17th, 2006 and I was early accepted into UTSC Scarborough.
So I repeat that phrase in my head, to keep me believing that it's true.
H_LL on wheels is over, let's hope next week will be better. Let's have some hope.
So my title and the end of my post is my quote of the day. Today's quote is from Miss Victoria Duncan.
...ridiculous.
Friday, February 17, 2006
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Part II: Because... // 3:09 am
...I won't lose to you.
...I regret it ... but still.
...there are things that can't be said anymore.
...it feels like there is nothing left.
...I still need strength.
...your pain is my pain.
...I've already lost.
...you seem more important to me now that you're gone.
...I can't be who I was before.
...there used to be something more.
...love isn't fair.
...of oranges. bittersweet.
...I thought there were more reasons to be like this.
...of regret.
...of time.
...I bury myself in a hole.
...finding my way out of the hole is too hard.
...I thought I could stop thinking about what others think of me.
...I don't know what to put before these becauses.
...effects comes after cause.
...I am tired.
...there are too many consequences.
...rain or snow.
...snow.
...they don't understand.
...I'm finding myself, but I'm losing my way.
...I hate mirrors.
...it used to be
is and now it is
was.
...Vardaman.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
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because... // 8:53 am
you have become the only reason for my smile.
i am a hopeless romantic.
i hope for more, but know there won't be more.
i am stupid.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
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just about the mooo-sic // 1:46 pm
Mostly Mando. (Taiwan Idol Music)
Introducing to you... Club 183 as well as "It started with a kiss" music...Please Enjoy. It is quite good =)
"Call my name and I'll be there."
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blank words on a page // 2:07 am
So, who can guess what today is. Today is valentines day. It's the day of red, of pink, of white and of prettiness and love. And guess what? It's just blank. Blank words on a page. Just words on a page.
Vardaman oh Vardaman. My fish my fish Vardaman, how can he be so simple. How can he be so simple and just ask such simple question. Why? Why is it so simple to him.
Just blank words. on a page.
But my mother is a fish. Vernon seen it. He was there.
"Jewel's mother is a horse," Darl said.
"Then mine can be a fish, cant it, Darl?" I said.
Jewel is my brother.
"Then mine will have to be a horse, too," I said.
"Why?" Darl said. "If pa is your pa, why does you ma have to be a horse just because Jewel's is?"
"Why does it? I said. "Why does it, Darl?"
Darl is my brother.
"Then what is your ma, Darl?" I said.
... ...
"Then I am not," Darl said. "Am I?"
"No," I said.
"I am. Darl is my brother.
"But you are, Darl." I said.blank words on a page.
Monday, February 13, 2006
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another great philosophical breakthrough // 12:29 am
These two months have been a living nightmare of a reality. That does not make sense, because dreams, cannot be reality. You cannot be Awake in a Dream as Kalan Porter suggests. But these two months have been a
nightmare and if I'm allowed, I'd wake up and not face this.... nonsense anymore.
It's been a nightmare because, I'm starting to learn that nothing will get you anywhere in life. Nothing. Don't expect anything to be handed to you or given to you just like that. Don't expect that you can change anything or anyone for that matter, because you can't. That's just a fact. It's a choice that the person or the thing has to make in order to change, you can't change them. Because, you just can't. That's why, it's all useless and feeble. They tell you to "take a chance". Take what chance? Take a chance so that nothing happens and so you fall flat on your face?
My view on life has changed drastically. Do you remember that chapel, when we had those... stations. And there was a confession one? I was too cowardly to go up when everyone was looking. So I went after. And you know what I wrote and put it on the cross? I wrote apathy. Because apathy is my worst sin and it will ruin me. But I'm letting it.
I feel like over these two months/weeks I'm starting to lose touch with myself and more and more in touch with.... Vardaman and his preoccupation with finding out what
being means. Because, I'd rather think and put myself in the shoes of lives that will never be lived rather than my own life, which is being lived. I'd rather put myself in an unreality of thoughts rather than trap myself in the reality I've created and ruined.
I feel as though I am being cruel to myself rather than life being cruel to me because, how can you blame things on the word Life or the word God. You ruined yourself and YOU are the one who put yourself in a fix. No one but you, so you can't blame anyone. You can't blame them, because you'd never be able to change them anyway, even if you tried.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
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how I marvel ... // 2:40 am
Oh, how I marvel at how simple and pure I used to be. I was reading karrotz.dreams _ my previous blog. All the entries seems to ... full of courage at facing life. So, optimistic about the future.
You know what the grade 10 guys used to call me at school? "Optimistic Girl" and now they say "Optimistic Girl isn't so optimistic anymore..." and I realize how tainted... how stupid I've become. The more complex, the more stupid. That's how I feel. How come I can't be that girl who used to blog about her everyday life rather than.... thoughts and idealisms and ideas. Ideas that no one seems to understand. Like Vardaman. Vardaman is so simple, but complex. Darl, dear Darl. Here we go again, look. Me and my preoccupation with
BITTERSWEET oranges. And Vardaman's fish. I marvel at how I used to be, how carefree, how school was just part of my life. I marvel at... how all I used to care about was laughing at jac during spare.
The thing I most marvel about is how I actually thought dreams worked. I said this before on my blog...
"Keep dreaming, because you never know where your dreams will lead you." Doesn't that sound funny now? It sounds so funny. Quote aaron lo:
"My future is still unknown to me..." and how true is that? How I wish I was just a cabbage. Or maybe a bitter sweet orange. My mother is a fish. How simple Vardaman is. He is so simple, I want to be him.
Oh, the black humour. That should be the understatement of my life.
Let's hope I don't turn goth. Because that'd be strange.
How I marvel at purity, simplicity and i.n.n.o.c.e.n.c.e. How I marvel.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
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bill faulkner is a genius // 6:00 am
Today I took a lo-o-ong bath. And it was superb. My muscles just... went ~~~ if you know what I mean. Oh the relaxation after a lo-o-ong week that is still not over. How I wish to just lie and sleep in water forever and not be discovered. oh, I'm so tired.
So, bill faulkner is a genius. You may or may not be starting to see the effects that literature class has on me. I comment unceasingly about Jake and Brett and Vardaman. My Vardaman. Oh Vardaman and his fish. Oh me, me and my bittersweet orange. Oh Vardaman. New Layout. post more later.
Friday, February 10, 2006
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academics // 6:04 am
I realized how much academics is taking over my life. It's almost like... I cling onto it... or idolize it. I really think this is incorrect.
Why I think this is because first the good news: I got 90% on my Literature Essay exam and I screamed of joy! It
IS a lorimer exam. 90% wow. Bad news is: history was bad. You know what? I think I'm going to ... sigh.
Nevermind. When my parents....... they will burst. I am so afraid.
So
afraid.
Sigh.
ps.> thanks everyone.... recovering a bit but tomorrow will be a bad day. hamlet. yuck. the depressing kid.
to be or not to be. oh the contemplation of death.
who would bare the whips and scorns of time?!
Thursday, February 09, 2006
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stream of conciousness // 6:03 am
Less pissed, but I'm still in a total bad mood. Today was one of those days, where I looked in the mirror and wanted to break it.
You know, if you keep convincing yourself that you're ugly and that you're fat and worthless... it starts reflecting in the mirror. People, I think I'm having major problems.
I just need to lie down and close my eyes and let go of everything and sleep. I quote you. You who makes me smile sometimes, or maybe laugh. Thanks. Thanks also for everyone else who tell me to smile. Sometimes you don't know how much you hurt me. Yes, you. You don't know how much I hurt for you. You, I mean. I realize how stupid I sound. I miss you. I miss listening to your voice, hearing you laugh. I miss you. Yeah, you. Then there's you and the other you. You. But mainly I miss you. Mainly, I want to call you and say hello. And you. It hurts. It hurts, but you are also the other you who is you in the worst way. Did you know that? But I still miss you, regardless of the fact that you're the other you. I still miss you. Why don't you look anymore? Why don't you care? Yeah. You. I'm talking about you.
I'm so tired. Here comes my
stream of conciousness, if it confuses you then... just go. And if you can, then leave me a tag, because those make me happy sometimes. Bill Faulkner has a way with words you know? He has a way with words. Oh, Darl dear the weird Darl dear. And the Vardaman who I love. Oh Vardaman. Why is Vardaman so... preoccupied with a fish. And why am I so preoccupied with
cabbages... and...
bittersweet oranges. (check Spaces) I just wish sometimes time stopped way back then. Way back then when I cared. Cared about ---- way back then when i still felt less tainted. My head, my head.
And here comes the
severe case of stream of conciousness.... oh the stupidity, why must i always try to speak in the vernacular of myself. it's quite stupid no? yes. and no of course. why are you so stupid? you look in the mirror and think you're ugly and ugly but you cant help but think so no? of course you cant help it.... it's not even your fault exactly... theres nothing you can FLIPPING BURGERS DO because THATS ALL YOU CAN DO. YOU CAN JUST DO YOUR BEST AND NO ONE WILL BLAME YOU
except for the whole world. you know what?! this is getting so stupid, everyday you vent and vent and vent but nothing comes out of it. nothing. and you know whats stupid? nothing ever changes it's the same thing over and over again and you can never go out of that stupid cycle. never. it's neverending, neverstoping, never. it's a never. they say "never say never" but they just said never twice! stupid. ironic people. stupid. stupid. people.
I'm still
searching for the strength to make it through...... (Always There in You... listen to it. It's up there.) I'm still pondering.... I'm still wanting....
I just realized this whole post is stream of conciousness, so I'll just name it that.
stream of conciousness. daunting really.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
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// 8:01 am
THIS IS THE MOST MESSSED UP DAY IN MY LIFE.
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// 4:19 am
You're not the FLIPPING ONLY ONE WHO'S PISSED. CAN YOU BE MORE CONSIDERATE?! EVER?! YEAH IM TALKING TO YOU. YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY FLIPPING ONE PISSED. And you know what? it's so unneccessary to feel jealousy rage stupidity because you're only dragging yourself down down down down down. There's so much work, but when you are tired you just want to sleep forever and ever and ever. I am sick of this. just sick of it. You know what?! i need to vent and that's why i'm on here. i'm so pissed and when you're pissed you just cant control yourself because .... because that's all you can do. when you've done your best, thats all you couldve done. im angry angry that others are better. angry the world is just like that okay?! just because i suck and just because... im like that. im pissed doesnt meant you can shun me. i've been spoiled i've been loved but it doesnt matter. im spoiled i dont know what im saying. i need to vent and just say all my anger here so that i dont yell at any more people and hurt them. because i just need to.... stop i just need to stop feeling inferior to her and her and her and him and him and him and be looked down upon by everyone and feel like that. im sick of feeling like... im just not the person i want to be or am. im tired of... people who think just because they're so good they can.... just. be so. good. but negative at the same time. stupid. im stupid. stream of conciousness, but i cant help it. i am speaking in the vernacular of me. just the vernacular of me. i hate this. i hate this. i want to cry but i cant because there's no one to cry to. because. because. because all i can do is bury myself in other thoughts.
Friday, February 03, 2006
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i am a cabbage // 5:41 am
If Vardaman's mother is a fish, then I am a cabbage. I am a self-proclaimed cabbage, that I am.
Please refer to my Spaces if you want to read the complete post.
But here I want to mention how much I love and adore the song Yuki no Hana (Snow Flower)sung by Mika Nakashima. I will post soon. Did you know the name Karen means purity?
I am a cabbage. Because cabbages have no feelings and that is what I want. I want
unemotion, even if unemotion is an emotion. I want to be a cabbage because even when cabbages are boiled an eaten and cut up, they still dont feel pain, or kanashimi. I want to be a cabbage because cabbages don't need to go to University and they don't need to memorize what an idiot said about being or unbeing or what he said about the "whips and scorns of time". Because cabbages don't have to live. Because cabbages don't have to live through desperation, or anything for that matter. Because cabbages, can just be cabbages.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
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starting to feel the routine // 12:14 pm
I'm kinda getting sick of doing the same thing over and over and over again. It gets so boring after awhile. There's no... CATACLYSM in my life. at all. It's quite tedious and boring. There are no landmarks where I can confidently affirm that my life is worthful (as opposed to worthless). I feel like... time is just... going and going and going. And everything is slipping from me. I'm so tired, I feel blind. I hate arguments but they are so constant and frequent in my life. I love beautiful music, but I don't hear it all the time.
My life is interrupted with fireworks. Fireworks that are too blinding. It is boring. Fireworks are boring if you keep watching them. Even if they are in different colours... there are only so many colours that it goes through.
I'm so tired. I'm so tired that... I want to give up. I don't want to wait anymore. Waiting is tiring. There is no more time. There is no more time.
I'm tired and I'm rambling. Toria said something about stream of conciousness in her blog. This is exactly what it is. It frustrates me. I'm tired of me. I'm tired of seeing myself in the mirror. Hearing my own voice. It's time. It's time to stop.
"Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea." - T.S. Eliot
If ENG4U didnt bring any good to me at all, at least it brought me Prufrock. I like Prufrock.
