talking of Michaelangelo.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
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hello goodbye // 10:29 am
Catchy, no? The title I mean.
Finally I can tear myself away from existence for just a little while and dump some verbal diarrhea on here. My room is cluttered, just as my mind is. My windmill room is full of remnants of this summer. Bits of souvenirs from Hong Kong, Taiwan, Japan just scattered like the memories of this summer. Thrown at random - floating - in my mind.
Yet it feels like it just happened. But everything is intangible now. Everything is just boxes, packages in my past. I don't want to put it away, because dreams becoming reality is like this rare gem. I hold it in my hand... but parting with it feels like... giving it to someone I don't like.
I feel like I have to give up this summer's memories to some monster called my "Past". To be honest, it doesn't hurt me to do so. I am also looking forward to this year. New hopes, new things to learn, new things to see.
Already, things have become befuddled. What day did I do this in Nagoya? What is that sensation when I wake up in my Nagoya home... and the smell of incense fills me? Children's smiles, sun and clouds and rain, tape and sand and birds at Little Egret Nature Park? Everything runs rampant in my mind. It's hard to touch these things. They have become impalpable.
I don't want anything to end, really. It's so hard to move on when it was so good. Life was too good to me. The sky was beautiful. I know, it's not always going to be that way. So I want to keep it.
I want to go back. I don't want to be stuck.
There's a silly little song that says this:
This is why I always wonderI'm a pond full of regretsI always try to not remember rather than forgetThis is why I always whisperWhen vagabonds are passing byI tend to keep myself away from their goodbyesTide will rise and fall along the bayand I'm not going anywhereI'm not going anywherePeople come and go and walk awaybut I'm not going anywhereI'm not going anywhereThis is why I always whisperI'm a river with a spellI like to hear but not to listen,I like to say but not to tell.I don't want to be like this. No, not at all. None of it. I want to go somewhere. I want to be part of the people who come and go and walk away. Then why do I feel so stuck? I never want anything to be over.
Now, the only thing I can tell myself is... it's time to go. It's time to be a 3rd Year University student. Go. Move. Focus. Be motivated. Be driven.
As an aside, it feels strange, but I'm already counting my final days of nineteen. 20 years on this earth. Half the time, life has caught me by the neck and left my breathless. No regrets.
I had a really, really good summer. I will never forget it nor will I ever let it go. Never. But, for now... I'll let myself put it down. I'll just keep the most precious part close to my heart - the leftover colours that lights up my hand when I pass the gem under light. I will remember, for now, that dreams can come true... if you're willing to take one step.
Now, over is over. I need to learn how to say hello to goodbye.
Goodbye and thank you, Summer 2008. Now, all we can do is keep breathing.
(Song credits: "Not Going Anywhere" Sung by Keren Ann)