talking of Michaelangelo.
Friday, July 11, 2008
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again?! // 10:19 pm
One of these days, jealousy is going to eat me alive.
I'm hungry.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
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// 12:56 pm
(Due to the lack of mouse issue, I am unable to CLICK the Title, so I'm not allowed to have one. But if I were allowed to have one, it would be:
borderline overboard)
My eyes have been blinded to my own selfishness and my own lack of sensitivity these past months. My mentor and friend has opened my eyes to them and I feel as though I've made such mistakes.
On friendship, it is impossible to replace people. Ridiculously impossible. For a while you may entertain the thought that perhaps some people could take over someone's place in your world, but that is a sadly mistaken thought. It comes one after another like waves of doubt but in the end, the memories that exist between you, those cannot be altered. Only the perception of them. You would feel like you've replaced them with better memories, but they are still there.
Good, bad, regret. It's all what you see - as always.
What's my point. My point is I'm slowly fading into this extremely ONE minded person. I fall full hearted into something. Often, hurting myself because of the extremity of the fall. I end up being blinded by that ONE thing and I don't evaluate everything else properly. I become very negligent of the things that are supposed to be precious to me. And so, I lose things. I become... muddled.
So finally I have bought myself some time to think. What have I done wrong? And, truthfully, I have done wrong. I will learn to see.
I feel dreadful. I hate lying.
Friday, July 04, 2008
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achilles's heel: mine // 10:37 pm
Achilles only had one weak heel, yet how come I'm finding more and more in myself? Hah, I'm a monster. I have more than one heel and they are all weak. Shoot me there with an arrow now, won't you?
Did you know, a woman's battle scars nowadays are in her heels with her shoes. Next time you go on the street, look at a woman's heels if they're wearing sandals. Do you see little marks? A woman battles most with her shoes. Ever heard that line... walk a mile in someone's shoes (or something of the sort)? Those cicatrices mark endurance. They mark the challenging roads that everyone are destined to take. The roads we take, who can ever take the same roads? Probably nobody. I can endure what you cannot, but you can also endure what I cannot.
I saw
Wanted today. It was certainly much better than I thought it would be. It's difficult to digest, these games of lies and trust. How will you turn your life around. In one blink of an eye, everything can be different. One little mistake can change you and shatter everything around you. Suddenly you realize, apathy isn't going to get you anywhere anymore.
Once again, a bunch of rubbish like thoughts rush into me. Being alone in the dark theatres for too long does that to you. The best place to hermit is to hide in a theatre and turn off your phone... just for that 2 hours or so.
Oh, books work too by the way. Now please excuse me as I retreat back into my book.
Sometimes I enter the novel's world so completely that when I look up, I wonder why I'm not in a court... or dancing in a castle. I am currently reading
The Other Boelyn Girl. It's an easy, mindless read. It takes me out of this world into another difficult one. Cunning women, deceit and envy. This book misleads you to believe that love can actually coexist with ambition and lies and covetousness.
I get too emotionally attached to fiction. I think fiction keeps me together. That's why I'm so fascinated by these notions of dreams and reality. Them blending into this mishmash that you can't exactly untangle.
Enough of my mindless rambling. It means nothing, once again. Rubbish! RUBBISH! What am I doing. Mm, raw, crass feelings of frustration.
How alive am I?
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time: the inconsistent dimension // 2:00 am
I guess I am the type of person to be easily swayed. I guess I am fascinated by things that are hard to understand. I guess I want to challenge myself.
In my brain, there floats many many time lines. In each of those time lines, there are many many packages I have opened. I have been intrigued and drawn in by the novelties and the fascinations in those little packages, but apparently I've left them all open. I can't seem to see past them. Each and every little box just weighs me down. I can't carry anymore open boxes, so one by one... I have to say good bye and drop them off at a station called "Past". Each and little box will be waiting for me. I don't need to worry about it falling out, it will stay entrenched within me. I take out what I need, when I need it. That's what it's supposed to be.
Little packages, whether rotting or beautiful... it will stay with me in little packages. The packages hold my past yet at the same time, the hope for a better future. How cliche have I become? I dislike this pathetic me who doesn't write anymore. I no longer have favour with words. I feel like I'm filling a page of redundant mumblings.
That's how my brain feels like... a muddled mess of smells and sounds. It's hard, emotions. To close things off. To forgive, to finish things off. To upgrade, we have to finish this stage first. Every game is like that. So is this game. The next level is within my sight, reaching out and grabbing it is my choice. But this level is comfortable, I don't want to throw everything back out there.
I don't want to be vulnerable to the unknown. I always think that. I don't think this is the first time I've mentioned it here. It's difficult to know, what happens next... after I've let go?
Why do I still have so many things that I can't package nicely in my brain. Slowly, I must digest this. I can do it! One by one, step by step. Each one will become something better if I just close it and hold it with a more relaxed attitude.
Yes, let's pretend the future will be bright and shiny... the end is the beginning, but of course things must end first.
And of course, I once again, have no conclusions and no idea what I just spoke about. All words on a damn screen. Nothing else. That's what my life is. Words on a damn screen. And opened, unattended packages. Packages I'm sick and tired of looking at, listening to. Packages I refuse to close because once I close them...
What if I lose them to badness forever?
