talking of Michaelangelo.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
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the problem with emotional indulgences // 11:32 pm
Consumed.
I tumble head first into fictional worlds, taken over by their music, their eyes, their lips, their kisses. I walk and breathe them and all in. All. I obsess with the couple and their heart-wrenching... bad-timing, desperate want of each other but can't have each other... Sigh. It touches me so much when men cry for their women so unabashedly. I've tumbled into some world I'm not a part of, but I'm walking it, eating it up. Or maybe it's eating me. My emotions go on roller coasters with them. When I zone out, I am there, I internalize so much of it. (And maybe I shouldn't, I don't think it's healthy for my mind and heart.)
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everyones' little worlds // 12:58 am
There are many worlds we create to put ourselves in. Bigger than islands, these worlds have their own set of values and ways of living, of smiling. These little worlds are our very own... not belonging to anyone else. And when we sail and sail and hit the end of that world, we hit that blue wall with the painted fluffy clouds, we think to ourselves... shit, is it over? Is that it to my world? But actually there are so many little worlds out there... with people, without. Lonely worlds, happy worlds. We created them, painted them with our illusions or delusions. But we are all in our own little worlds. fighting over a coffee machine, getting angry over unsaid words. Tiny. Tiny worlds. Most of the time we're so blinded, so bubbled up into our own worlds we can't see into someone else's. Or at least... when we do, we are stunned, surprised, flabbergasted by the possibility of The Other. We knew they were there before, that there is some other world out there, not our own, but belonging to others. But we hardly believed it. We were so blind. I am so blind.
And I wish to see.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
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somnolence // 10:58 pm
like someone tied rocks to your eyes then pulled you into a well that folds within yourself
and you would wake up in this fuzzy world of sounds and colour that is nonsensical,
it takes effort to pull yourself out
is that better or is this wakefulness... restlessness... time checking insomnia better.
Neither. Sweet sleep, come back to me.
Monday, January 13, 2014
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smells of the night // 8:25 pm
Wish I still had that sense.
This is one of those nights where I put his shirt around a pillow and hold it until I fall deep into warm slumber where I can trick myself into thinking he's beside me.
*Remind me to post about the smells of Chi Lok one of these nights...
Sunday, January 05, 2014
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step out // 9:09 pm
bolder and stronger
Stop being afraid of yourself. Be water.
Remember when you actually used to write about the small things, the splotches on the wall, the rain against the glass of the bus windows. Remember that blue that was so different from all the other blues you wrote about or the clear bubbles traveling to the top. Remember surrendering to the tippity tap of your keyboard with thoughts just waiting to explode out of your brain, right at your finger tips . . . flowing out? Remember those times when things just struck you as beautiful and you wouldn't have it any other way but write them down and remember how they made you feel? Why did that stop?
What made you stop? Why does it hurt to know that it became dormant? That it hid? What have you been filling your mind with? Where have you walked? Gone? Lived?
The black and white cat that sat by your feet that night, its fur shining in the streetlight and you stopped and you asked where it was going and it didn't answer you and you wondered and wondered these unasked, unformed questions and why have you not formed them yet and where are you going now and why have you stopped? And... what are you doing now?
Is it the same you who used to have a song of words all the time, of poignant and innocent jubilee or full and heart-greying melancholy? Was that you? Have you out grown it for stupid talk shows and fast moving screens? Was it a different life? Has your bright clean white dulled to a frail yellow? Are your eyes less bright, seeing less? Have your feet grown weary, or worse yet... lazy?
See again and create again, move again and get strong.
I want you back. Come back, and
be.
Wednesday, January 01, 2014
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the secret life of walter mitty // 10:20 pm
I think it was one of the best choices I made, to see this on the first day of the new year.
There's something so lonely about having to imagining to help one get by and press forward. But... there's also empowerment to
alone ness.
Was moved, was opened, was awed.
Probably wasn't that good to a lot of people but it was
enlightening, insightful, made me think.
2014 ... maybe this first day deserves another post just because of this movie.
It was so artistic, so full of beautiful cinematography and photography and great music too. In short, it was breathtaking.
This is ground control to major Tom, you've really made the grade
And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear
Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare
This is major Tom to ground control, I'm stepping through the door
And I'm floating in a most peculiar way
And the stars look very different today
Here am I sitting in a tin can far above the world
Planet Earth is blue and there's nothing I can do
move forward, and feel
Sometimes, we don't take the photo.
We just stay in the moment and live it.
Beautiful things don't ask for attention.
So here it is, 2014, here I come:
To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, to draw closer, to find each other and to feel. That is the purpose of life.
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the city never sleeps // 3:10 am
It's time to begin, isn't it?
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am
2014
Wow.
Last year my resolution was a bit of a surprise when it came back to me via Westail. It was really a lovely surprise, I think it was written on a napkin or a scrap piece of paper and left in her care to send back to me. She did. It said "Be Happy." and that was it. I don't even know what to make of it.
You gotta get up and try and try and try...
I walked by water tonight...
and it was so disappointing and
I miss Kingston so much.
auld lang syne
