talking of Michaelangelo.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
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my 2006 in retrospect // 2:31 pm
DISCLAIMER: Worry not boys… when I say “____ Months” It just means that those were the boys that I talked to a lot AS FRIENDS during that period of time. I’m still learning and really getting to know you guys =D It does not mean I liked/like you or had a crush or something, it just means we were tight xP
January-Boredom
The George Months. Ahh, how strange this month was. I go over the blogposts and I just feel a sense of… “Come on, let’s just get this over with.” Kind of feeling. We all get that. Wow, it’s only January and I’m feeling that? Great start 2005! *That was sarcasm.*
February-The Month of Un-Emotion (Cabbages)
I self-proclaimed to be a cabbage during this month and had some dramatic moments where I really learned how stupid I truly am. (I still am.) This month was…strange. I spoke of vernacular and stream of consciousness… and I really got nowhere. I wonder now, what did I think, were the cataclysms in my life back then? Taiwanese drama month, interesting.
March- Dramatic (First Annual Blog Contest!)
One of the Julian Months, I would call this… yes, with capital letters. Julie, Jelly Beanzer Poo the youthful darling taught me to be less daunted and of course, more optimistic and… childish. This month was all over the place. I don’t even know what to say about it… went to Trent, did a quite a bit of rubbish actually. It was such a “mo liu” month! The stuff I thought about, the things I went through, it seems so… insignificant now. But back then, it meant everything to me. And that is life my friends. Post Script: However, I remember that was when me and Ad started “talk-talking”.
April- April Fools
Honestly, I’m so silly. I was over-excited and absolutely silly this month. Had nothing much to worry 'bout. I loved it. =) Some (fine, many) bumpy things along the way, but I got by. (I still love T.S. Eliot!)
May- Adagio
One of the Derek Months, I could say. NYC Trip was splendid fun. How unreal and faraway it feels now. May…slow, happy, tiring but fulfilling month. “No comment is actually a comment.” And I claimed that vulnerability will be the end of me. Strangely enough, I still think so. Much thanks to Clara Katrina and Jacqueline, you’ve always always been there.
June- Short and Stupid (as opposed to sweet)
Exams, Graduation, boom boom boom. Things just went so quickly I’ve forgotten so much of it. High school is over. High school was over. Why was this month so fast? I don’t even get it. I wish was longer, maybe I would remember more of it.
July & August- Lumped Together (EXPLOSION)
Beginning of the Michael Months. In July I set out to Hong Kong, Japan, Macau, China… feeling an explosion of “YES, I’M FINALLY OUT OF HERE AND DOING SOMETHING COOL!” In these months, I learned quite a bit about myself… more about my friendship with Adalia and definitely found that I could not be independent just yet. I recognized how much I love my family, relatives and just how important they are to me. Met some hot boys, never found out their names, that was that. I came back in August… and something happened that completely SLAPPED me… Reality set in. What I was supposed to learn, I learned too much of, all at once… I cried for the longest time that night in August. I guess, the memory of August 2006 still bites at me once in awhile, that’s why I never blogged it. Maybe I was scared. Maybe I’m still scared.
September- Paradoxes
Met some very interesting people, and my routine became very very different. Changed some perspectives. Missed home like insanity. Hated, but loved university. The U word. Queen’s. Very interesting experience. Very strange because I felt so… lonely this month. So, new, raw, green. So many unknowns, so lost yet so free.
October- Baby
The Edward, Stanley Months… wow, craziness. Jackie and Sharon – my home away from home. I learned so much academically. It’s weird how you don’t know you’ve learned something until you start spewing random stuff in your daily life and it’s stuff you’ve learned in class. I call this month “baby” because I was such a baby… But I grew. And I see my growth from October. Growth negatively and positively. Made a mistake I never should’ve made.
November- Eighteen
The Paulo, Jason(?), Hin(?) Months commence… I am called an adult, but ironically, I’m anything but an adult. I slept later than I ever have during this month and learned the joy of the beautiful library. I loved being @stauffer in the fireside room. Thought too much this month. Most sadly, but most significantly, I’ve resorted back to kdramas, jdoramas and… dramas. It’s so bad for me.
December- And it ends?
Added more people to my home away from home- Sally, Ulrica. Independence at last? Signed the Lease for a house for the first time, got a VISA card for the first time… lost a wallet for the first time…… what can I say? 2006 was an adventure was it not? And it’s over? Or does it live inside me… will 2006 come back to haunt me, or will it be some insignificant year that I can throw out just like that? Have I been changed?
Is there time? Time to make revisions and decisions?
Year-end review is over… The past is over, the present continues. The friends, people I loved, love and continue to support me… this all continues… what will I make of it in the year of 2007? Will I change?
Change? What is change?
Monday, December 25, 2006
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i've dedicated this christmas to... // 1:24 am
... looking for what
loveactually is.
After re-watching the movie
love actually I've discovered the message of the movie. How easy is love when it's so simple that it could be communicated in a 135min movie? "If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around." - Hugh Grant
Yes, so that is why... I am looking for it. First, I want to claim that love is sincerely not just limited to romance, though the movie has neglected all the other aspects of love.
Love is (actually):-
a choice-
an attribute of God... we chose God, God chose us. We have the choice to love God, God has the choice to love us. Love does NOT = God because just because we are able to love, it does not mean we are God. we were given the ability TO love... but not fully as God is able to. [If you disagree or have comments, please say so.]
-
friendship [and I have found so much, thank you.]
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parents,
siblings wherever they may be [they DO choose to love you, if they don't choose to do so, you'd be on the street with no one to feed you.]
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relatives, cousins, uncles, aunts, grandmothers who have seen you as a baby and still talk to you like you're worth talking to (Thanks Connie, Jackie and the rest of you.... who won't even read this)
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bittersweet [as cliche as it is, it's true] painful, stupid, but sweeter than maple syrup (I am a true Kanadian)
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yelling, screaming, door-slamming, crying with all the best intentions
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Corithians 13:4 [all emcompassing? wouldn't love be extremely difficult to fulfill then?]
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hope [which according to Mattie in
Northern Lights is the "Eighth Deadly Sin"... but I disagree... but it's deep, so I slapped it here xD]
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a feeling with action [I actually have no idea what that means... anyone care to explain?]
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accepting someone's faults [changing them for the better though?]
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contradictory? [the line between love and hate is thin. wow, I'm on a cliche roll right now. you want them to be themselves, but you also want them to conform to who you want them to be for the better of themselves... goes with point above.]
-
you actually reading this and me not making you read this, so i'll stop hereLove is:... simply...l o v e [AFTER ALL THAT CRAP SHE PUTS THAT?! You're probably screaming at my absurdity for putting that simple four letter word down. When it comes down to it, isn't every word subjective? Shouldn't you find your own meaning of love? Love is just love. It could mean anything you understand it to be. To an autistic person, (okay I'm making assumptions here) when they see that word, they may only sense that it is the same an any other four letter word. Love cannot be defined except with love. We have a universal understanding or... qualities of what love should be... but please, this Christmas, find the time to dig deep. Find your meaning of love.
Love is...open for you to find, learn, discover, experience, understand, realize, recognize,
DO.
Is love a noun or a verb?
Alright, that's enough. Hope to see some comments. Merry Christmas Eve and Christmas for that matter, my darlings. Let's hope I don't get around to blogging on Christmas Day. May love and joy be with you my dears. Remember, Jesus was sent to Earth some thousand years ago... that's why you're having turkey and a long holiday from school.
God bless.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
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random... or not so random // 9:56 am
This post will be many things drawn out of the air and plunked down into this blogpost like a pile of... I don't even know the word for it. So, (some of you will understand XP) flump... or flummery as Sally likes to call it... will be the basis of this post. =D Now, to begin... the next and final Harry Potter book is called
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I'm excited, but saddened because two characters are going to die. Yes, it's true... J.K. Rowling said so on her very own site. Why am I a loser who has read almost every article on her site? I don't know either. TVBSeries does NOT disappoint me this time!
Dicey Business is very, very yummily addictive and good. Not just because of Bosco Wong, which is a surprise... because I had thought this would've been a golden opportunity for me to droooool over him. However, it turns out that he is not the only motivation for me to watch anymore! Michael Miu is a very attractive, manly... middle-aged man. Let's just say that much xp It's not that he's good looking. It's that he's very suave. Maybe it's the way he walks? Skating will be fun tomorrow. If it doesn't get me sick. I've NEVER had such narsty DARK eye-bags/eggs before. DRAM100 sucks and I wish I never took it. 55% on PSYC100... At least I MAINTAINED rather than DROPPED. Can you believe I got the same mark? I can't either. I wish I went skating with hubby =( I want to finish Nobuta wo Produce, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't want it to end. It was soo good. *Gon Gon* I love Yamapi so much. He's only flippin' 3 years older. Why can't he just marry me and we'll be happy and have hot kids. I did not just say that out loud.
Friday, December 22, 2006
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let's have a little bit of serenity // 12:41 pm
Please?
I'm exhausted and I just want a little quiet. No more door slamming, no more tears, no more singing about the most RETARDED things that PISSES me EFFING off. I haven't ever spelled out "eff-ing" in my life before. That's how tired and grossed out I am by the time I've just had in Toronto.
[Sorry I have to say this...] Other than Ad comin' back. No more long distance phone bills, finally. Guh. Other than that, I totally can't handle it anymore. I'm suffocating. Like, I just want a little fun with my friends. Is that so hard? I'm sorry I can't make it.
You know what... I don't like my time anywhere. I'm so in between. I hate it in Ktown, but I hate it here too. Could I find a balance? Somewhere? Could I just escape into another world?
I hate being cliche. I wanna dig my eyes out. Tirimisu alcohol = good. I should've drunk more of that. Maybe I'd feel less miserable right now.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
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for the benefit of those who do not have facebook // 5:03 pm
AHEM. to Michael Li.
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how to determine how much you like a subject // 4:30 pm
If you're staying up 'til the wee hours of the morning (like right now... 3:31am) and you really don't mind because you love studying what you're studying, even though it's more like cramming... it means you love this course.
You enjoy cramming for this exam thoroughly. You are completely saturated and swimming in the words of the text. The literature inspires you, even though you're brain-dead. This means you love the course. Of course I'm talking about my feelings toward ENGL110. I shouldn't have started so late. I would've found so much more to learn if I wasn't cramming it. Sigh. I love English.
Oh, goodness gracious... I hope I do well tomorrow. I love this material!
Why am I such a geek?
Monday, December 18, 2006
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dating. // 2:04 pm
I had such a fun night with Jac... light catching up... watching Nobuta... someone actually appreciating it as much as I do... sigh. *gon gon* Jac is still my bff even though we're so far. Sigh. Thanks for visiting Jac... I was so excited to see you again. Laughed so hard my tummy felt like it was caving in. I miss Jac already and look forward to meeting up with the rest of the sisterhoodie in Toronto!
Yosh! Ganbatte! Almost done! Bear with it renka, you're almost there.
I had a real nice chat with Jac and Sammi today about dating issues and what dating should be.
I guess we all have our own opinions and stuff... and I did learn quite a bit from what Sammi said. Christian dating, what it means... what it's supposed to mean? After answering many of the questions that I had asked..... I sort of see where Sammi was going with it. Lots more thinking to do. But won't dwell. I have enough on my mind right now.
I miss the feeling of friendship overwhelming me with happiness. It's so lonely in Kingston without my future housematies. Miss you guys too. Can't wait to do Secret Santa with you guys. Sigh. So many people I miss, not enough time to miss them. Not enough time to study for ENGL110.
NO WHITE CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR?! I'm very disappointed.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
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challenged. // 12:49 pm
I owe it to myself to work as hard as I can from now on.
(Thank you, once again - you.)
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
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EDIT: quintessence of friendship // 11:36 am
whatever.Originally, humans were made to be able to be independent of one another.
No physical touch, eye contact, verbal or any other form of communication was ever necessary.
And yet in this world, many of us have been able to find, attain the beauty of dependence, care, and love. It is not to say that we would die without those around us. If you think about it, even if we lost everything down to the bare essentials - water, food, shelter... WE WOULD STILL SURVIVE.
And yet many of us choose to have that dependence. We share laughter, we speak to people far far away from us. If we lose those people, we will not turn to dust or perish... however, we would lose something so valuable. I was walking outside in the fog tonight and realized how quiet... peaceful everything was and so many things came rushing to my head. So many thoughts about celebrating friendship. Thoughts about things so much larger than what we live for, dream for.
Thoughts like.... When you pick up the phone and dial the numbers no matter how many numbers there are to dial, you dial them, even if it is just a simple hello. Even if you're just listening to each other type on msn, even if you're just listening to them play wii games, even if you're just talking about the silliest things in the world (like vanilla tea and boy- pooping), even just to wake you up for an exam, even if there is just silence in being in each other's presence. If you sit there and do nothing with someone, eat, drink, toast, cheer, wave, dance. You still want them to be there. You just want them to be there that moment. For those moments, there is something warm, something we can touch with what is inside us. We are not kept alive by it, we just keep these alive so we could cope with being alive here in this moment.
There's so much beauty in celebrating this. I don't know why. I miss so many of you guys. I love so many people. All the time, I want to be with you guys. With everyone I have learned to love, and love me.
Tonight, I celebrate friendship because... in the fog, I realized... without any of you, I'm nothing, my existence is just fog.
Fog.
cut.Wow... can't believe I just babbled that much! I practically failed my PHIL115B Exam today. I want to cry xp haha. Oh wells...! Hahaha, but for some reason I feel happy today. Crap! Blasted music too loud and it's quiet hour! Hehehe. Happi birthday my most darling half-brother julie jelly beanzer poo! (= I really miss my mother. I want to go home, but I will press on =) Si, oretachi wa itsudemo futari da hitotsu datta hehe. Alright, thanks for reading.
Oyasumi (=
Sunday, December 10, 2006
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i love you guys so much. // 3:00 pm
Did you hear me?
I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!
My house-mates-soon-to-be. I love, adore you guys. We're gonna have such an AMAZING AMAZING year. I can see it, foreshadow it. You guys are the most wonderful people. I am so glad I met you guys.
Thanks so much for tonight, you guys mean so much to me.
You know what they did? They blindfolded me and took me to a BEAUTIFUL place they knew I would
LOVE. You guys are just the most incredible, sweetest girls in the universe. Muah. I wouldn't trade you darlings for anything.
(Bang* CLST100 = Over)
Friday, December 08, 2006
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night-time thoughts // 12:33 pm
I've never had this feeling before. Now that I'm having it... it feels strange.
I want to be there for you, but I wasn't there for you in the past... it seems so long ago that I was always there for you... but it seems impossible because of the time I lost? The time I feel like I can't gain back? I feel like, I owe you something... but I can't pay it back. It's like I filled everything with other people, other friends... and... it's like I got lost? Maybe I'm thinking too much again?
Another thought, can someone really be that selfless? Such a petty thing... compared to...?
I'm so strange. I get strange thoughts deep in the night.
Afterall, in the words of Ernest Hemingway, "It is awfully easy to be hard-boiled about everything in the daytime, but at night is another thing." (Jake from
Sun Also Rises)
And I'm nose bleeding. Or, was.
-
// 3:06 am
By the way, that red blob says:
"I hate Psychology 100.
I hate it with a fiery passion."
Looks, bloody enough doesn't it?
Bang.
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// 3:00 am
Wow. I'm feeling gaunt and smothered with exhaustion.
Sleep, fall upon me.
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// 2:56 am
I hate Psychology 100.
I hate it with a FIERY passion.at least it's over...
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
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psychology, kurosagi, depression // 7:18 am
I lost my wallet.
What more can I say:
I'm stupid,
I'm disappointed in myself.
I'm sad because
my parents
have all the right
to be disappointed in me.
But instead, they cared.
Which makes me feel even
worse.
Kurosagi (it's too touching):Ep 1 , Ep 2 , Ep 3 , Ep 4, Ep 5, Ep 6, Ep 7,
Ep 8, Ep 9, Ep 10, Ep 11
PSYC100 (it's too vexing): Chapter 1Chapter 2Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
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ahhhh time runs away from me // 9:07 am
I don't know how I managed to waste 3 whole days!
I mean, I swear I had like at least 12hrs each day that I was awake... how was I able to let that just go down the drain?! The worst thing is, I only watched 1 episode of
Kurosagi, what did I spend the rest of my days doing?!
I only got through
1.5 flipping chapters of Psychology! I think I'm really dead! What am I going to do?! I have no self-control, discipline or focus!! Someone help!
Monday, December 04, 2006
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(= // 4:00 am
Last night, I was talking to my soon-to-be-housemate who I absolutely ADORE. We're gonna have a blast. She likes Pi-chan too XD weehehe, next year is going to be such an unproductively awesome year! We're getting a pet and everything (= Yaay for hermit crabs XD
Well her name is
Sally, she's my leui leui (daughter).
Here's a hilarious quote:
*Yamapi looks.*
*Karen dies.*
LOL. It's funny, 'cause it's true.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
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I can't do this anymore. // 3:08 am
I must express my forever unchanging, undying obsession for
Kurosagi and
Yamapi who acts as Kurosaki. I <3 this Jdorama so much. I'm so crazy in love with it.
It's the intensity of the eyes in both male and female characters. It's the impact of the plot. It's the aesthetic ability of the director who filmed this. It's such a good jdorama.
I think most of the time, I'm in love with the character in the story rather than the actual actor. But this time, the actor Yamapi (from here onwards known as Pi-chan) brings out the character so well. His character is embedded into him. Why does my heart move so much faster when I see him cry? When he goes "bang" with his eyes like that.
His tears are crystal clear and he seriously looks like he's drawn. And his outfits. The versatileness of his acting... How I am in love.
I'm so crazy about Pi-chan. Kurosagi. Kurosaki.
And does the girl have to be so pretty?
Friday, December 01, 2006
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Closing it off... // 11:53 am
Everytime when I'm thinking of you...I just don't know what to do...Pinch myself when I'm dreaming making sure that you can love me tooo...- Justin (Juk Teen)'s
"Song per Day"It's got such a catch tuneee.
Current new obsession:
Kurosagi. Thank you once again to you who introduced this to me. I guess it's paying me back for editting? xp haha. "Stop blogging about me." That's what you're thinking, gotcha. (w0000t tomohisa yamashita, what a cutie)
Don't worry, my loyalty to Kim Rae Won has not faz(d)ed.
Alright, an actual topic now. November flew by... like... a feather cloud. November flew by as fast a raindrop. November is a blade of grass under a cow's ... foot? Metaphorical, similes... ooh.
I don't want exams to come, but I can't wait 'til my darling Christmas break arrives! First term of first year university is almost over! Tomorrow is the last day, can you believe it?
It felt so long, but so short at the same time.
People I want to thank for making my month so special:
Michael (don't know how you can tolerating me EVERYDAY and my
"Ho Sun Foo" xp haha),
Ad (everything.),
Sharon (being the closest person I have at queen's),
Heidi (understanding),
George (keeping in touch despite busy-ness),
Jason Kan (facebooking),
Hin (marriage xp).
Most importantly,
Ma and
Ba and
Ken... sometimes I dislike you guys so much, but I love you so much more than that. I love you all. Thanks for shaping, mature-ing me.
With that, November comes to an end... I hope December brings great joys for everyone as well as for me.
Extremely, EXTREMELY early
Seasons Greetings to everyone who reads this. I hope all your November blues run away from you. I wish your wishes come true.
I wish the coming December will be something you hold dear to you.
I love
snow.
