talking of Michaelangelo.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
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turbulence // 11:36 pm
The tables have turned!
According to Paulo,
I shouldn't really be listening to these songs.
But it's not like I can help it. Lyrics have never been so
applicable...
I think Daughtry is so good. His voice is really nice.
I'm incoherent, but I'm allowed.
Just for these couple of days, I'm allowed to
not know where I'm going.
Always craving alcohol.I'm allowed.
I should've seen it coming, maybe I saw it.
Why isn't there a Henry deTamble in my life?
Time Traveler's Wife is still as addictive as ever.
I'm not going to walk around puffy-eyed.
I won't let the cowards win.
There's so much more I can seek out. Right?
I'm feeling disgusting... and a little cold.
So many thoughts ran through my head. Scary thoughts.
What am I supposed to do?
"Not Ready to Make Nice" - Dixie Chicks
But they're not talking about that.
I better shower. Showers are supposed to make you feel better.
Be careful with your heart, Heidi told me.
Be careful with your heart.
Did I hear that clearly? Not clearly enough. I think someone
needs to slap that into me.
But don't regret anything.
There's nothing I should regret.
The other only choice was falling down? It was never like that.
I had always stood alone. I always had to.
I don't want to let you off easy,
but I don't want you to regret it.
It's not painful, I tell myself.
I just laugh it off, I tell myself.
It's alright. It's really alright.
It's alright in the morning. It's always alright in the morning.
Thanks for pulling me back Adalia, Michael, Paulo, Chibs and the many others of you who care so much for me. Thanks Fishie and Heidi for lake-ing with me. Thanks Thanks Thanks. I don't know who or where I'd be without all of you.
There's no point in crying... be careful what you wish for, okay?
YOU hurt enough for the both of us. I don't need to deal with that crap now.
I'm chasing my dream, and you're probably not part of it.
Damn. I swore too much yesterday. That was the last time.
Chibi said he's never heard me swear that much.
I'm just blabbing whatever comes to my mind... what did Tripp say about that again? That Freudian thing?
Are you happy, now?
Then Jacobson's Sublimation. Haha...
What are the defense mechanisms again?
Alas, when PSYC comes in handy, you know you're in trouble.
Breathing without a doubt? Under control?
Listen Listen... I need to lock the door. How come I left it unlocked?
Michael's "sweet boogers" HAHAHA
Paulo's "
等電話" HAHAHA
Chibi's "soul sec" aww, thanks.
Adalia's e-mails. Sorry, I'm so sorry!
Sally's cammie-ing.
"I never thought I'd get through."
Karen Chan, time to pick up the pieces.
"Should've started running long long time ago."More than you, more than you know.
Do I sound like a madwoman? Haha, I'm fine. =)
I just need to brush some stuff off myself shoulders. Better off. Better.
I love this stream of consciousness thing.
I love you all. Let's drink.
Let's make a toast to
beginnings, chance, happiness, world enough and time.It'll be okay. I could live with you or without you.
But I wouldn't be able to live without my friends.
That should say something. Stop being such a drama queen.
Have a good life, because I sure will have one.
I hope you feel like whatever you're feeling like right now for a long, long while.
You deserve it.
But, then again, so do I.
I'm sorry. Thank you. But I'm sorry to you too.
Mixed feelings are never fun. Unless it's
bittersweetness.
And this isn't it. Hah, Kemi.
-
// 8:24 am
picking up the pieces?
I'd never get through?
more than you, more than you know.
used to?
Karen stop being a drama queen. Pick yourself up.
It's not like it's the first time.
It's not like it's the first time.
It's not like it's the first time.
It's not like it's the first time.
It's not like it's the first time.
It's not like it's the first time.
Stop screwing yourself over. Stop, just stop.Crying won't make things better.Crying won't make things better.It's not like it's the first time.It's not like it's the first time.Shut up. Just shut up.
You'll be okay in the end. You'll be okay.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
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ashes to ashes, dust to dust // 3:02 am
I haven't blogged in 18 days... is that scary or is that scary? Let's go over the topics I want to talk about:
1) EarthwormsYou probably read that and went "Wow, ren-ka has achieved a new level of craziness!" ... but actually I have a pretty good reason to talk about earthworms. Think about it. They're all over the streets after a little drizzle of spring rain. All these little wormies squirming for moist and darkness. But why do they come out? Half of them get dried up by the sun... and die a very tragic death. This is what I admire though. As crazy as it seems. Several weeks ago, Sally and I were talking about risks and how life is one. We live our entire lives knowing that we're going to die. If that's what we are doing, then why do we strive to continue to live? Because it's all a risk. If it's a risk, why don't we just move ourselves forward... just take little steps. Just little by little... and we'll make it. We'll make it where we want to. If earthworms die struggling, die risking death for a little sun, for just a little light, just a little forbidden dream, why can't we? Push forward. Move on.
Carpe Diem
2) A Memory Keeper's Daughter
It took me way to long to read this book for leisure. Like
way too long. I had much higher expectations of myself. I finished it... on April 3rd or something, so forgive me if I have a foggy memory of what I wanted to say. But I really took a little something from the book. It was sort of long and was a drag to read... just because the material was too heavy. I sat in MacCorry reading the ending of this... and I just cried. Just a little... It was a strange ending. Forgiveness? Bitterness? Nostalgia? In the end, we're all just human. We have control but we don't. Death? Secrets? What will you take with you to your grave?
This little excerpt stays with me still, even after half a month: "She glanced at the boxes of photographs, wanting to take that young woman she had been by the arm and shake her gently,
Keep going, she wanted to tell her.
Don't give up. Your life will be find in the end."
Imagine yourself in a few years. Will you at that time want to shake your past (present) self and say "You'll be fine in the end?" If you need that kind of encouragement... then find it from me. Or this blog post... Common, you'll last... you will have more chances. You have time. You will grow. You will stretch and go where you want to go. You will learn.
3) Drama, drama, dramaWhat is this take one side deal? Why can't we all be civil and stop acting like 5 year olds in a Kindergarten? Is life really just repetitions of everything but in a larger scale? Is maturity... really not existent? Do I really have to spit back at you if you spit at me? What is all this bitterness being thrown around the room?
4) EndingTime is a strange thing, it feels like it's been so long, but it really hasn't. It feels like such a long time... but it isn't. We want what we can't have right? It's the same concept with time. When you want it to go faster, it just goes slower. When you want the moment to last forever, it's over in a blink. I don't know what to make of this year... I really don't. I have one more exam to go and then I'm whisked off into the busy-ness of summer laziness. Hah! Lugubrious drollery and dull lethargy... not fun-sounding? I still can't believe 1st year is over. Time to go forward with new endeavors and gain more... and more... pressing forward to step into the future. As blissful and unrealistic as that sounds. I'm gonna do yoga.
Randomness is an attribute of the post-modern literature era... Isn't it strange that we've all learned something from it? Well, at least I have.
5) Stories
"Sometimes to tell a story... you first have to teach a lesson..."CLST100 is a fun subject because it's full of stories. Stories you can't be in. Such romantic notions. Pathos versus bathos. Ah, the endless spectrums of imagination. Lust, fate, magic, secrets, reconciliations... oh the possibilities! Recently, I've watched
Anna and the King... I think it was exotic and the story was exquisite. The dancing kind of made my fingertips tingle a little. I really think I'm a dancing person, even though I can't do it... is it in the DNA? My mother adores dancing.
Shall We Dance is also quite a good movie. All romantic stories must have a dance in it. Stories are such a nice thing. You can't live them, but you can think them, breathe them and experience them, without the actual pain.
"...nor I, with a King."6) Li'l Drops of Kindness
In this big, big world, there are people who will love you to death, and you don't even know it.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
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wasteland // 1:04 pm
APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and
desire, stirring
Dull roots with
spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, covering
Earth in
forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.
Summer
surprised us, coming over the Starnbergersee
With a shower of rain; we stopped in the
colonnade,
And went on in sunlight, into the Hofgarten,
And drank coffee, and talked for an hour.
Bin gar keine Russin, stamm' aus Litauen, echt deutsch.
And when we were children, staying at the archduke's,
My cousin's, he took me out on a sled,
And I was frightened. He said, Marie,
Marie, hold on tight. And down we went.
In the mountains, there
you feel free.
I
read,
much of the night, and go south in the winter.
Eliot never ceases to impress me. He's a literary genius.
