talking of Michaelangelo.
Friday, June 15, 2007
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alas, alas. // 12:54 pm
My family life is a social hellhole. Pardon my language.
(You can choose to skip to the bottom if you want to.)
I'm sure you're not interested, but let's split it up into four parties (one for each person):
Party #1 and
Party #2 are quite hostile to each other causing
Party #3 and
Party #4 to be particularly unhappy.
Party #1 is disappointed in
Party #4 for some amount of petty things put together (ah, yes... the build-up makes it blow-up) thus causing
Party #4 to feel guilt, shame and sadness.
Party #2 highly disagrees with
Party #3's way of spending money and is therefore angry and bitter.
Party #3 tries hard to reconcile with
Party #2, only to piss off
Party #1, since they are deeply hostile.
Party #3 also tries to side with
Party #4 seeing that
Party #4 is sad. This makes
Party #1 even more pissed because there is no one quote unquote "on their side".
Party #1 breaks down in fits of angry tears,
Party #2 is grumpy at everyone,
Party #3 tries to make everything better with no avail almost ready to give up...not knowing which side to take,
Party #4 feels ashamed and unhappy all the time. To make things even worse,
Party #3 makes stupid mistakes leading to even more misunderstandings causing
Party #1 further distresses.
Party #4 gets angry at
Party #3 for pissing
Party #1 off even further. And at this point this whole mess can't get any messier.
It's absolutely dreadful. There are no such things as sides, as everyone has been wronged or has wronged someone and so everything is wrong. Family dynamics is bullocks. I wish everything would solve itself and everyone can be normal.
Aside from that, I bought a beautiful phone, which I keep promising myself I shall not regret because it is the most beautiful piece of technology I have ever beheld in my life. (It was expensive.) I hereby name my phone
White Wallace, Wallie for short. Yes, it is named after the poor coat I never had the honour of owning.
It really is a dangerous thing, this jealously business. When it seems all's well on the other side of the lawn, you really wish you were there. You want to trade. You want some affection amidst these bleak, distraughtful (that's not a word) days. But you can't. So you sit there envying and envying until you can't hold it in no more. Ah, where am I going with this.
I'm sick and tired of having to hold up the sky in hopes it won't fall and shatter into pieces breaking someone's heart. Ew, that is SO cliche.
Nonetheless, my friends do cheer me up. Once again, I would like to thank
Adalia for another really relaxing, fun day in spite of the little bit of tensions I had in between (with a certain party).
Special thanks to
Twiggy, whose birthday was today... for really cheering me up. You really are like family to me, I've known you for over 10 years and it feels like we can be so close even though we are so different in every way... we haven't talked for so long. But it felt like that distance of time didn't even really matter. You truly are my oldest friend, and thanks for "livening" up this languorous day for me.
Ciao, my friends. Thanks for lasting through this post.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
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ah, it's been too long // 11:43 pm
I'm back due to...popular demand (meaning Michael and Chris =P) I'm back, oh yes. I'm back with a humongous blogpost. I've been putting this off for way too long. Hah, I'm smiling incredulously at my blogger right now because honestly, not blogging for a total of 13 days is such a big feat for me. As most of my readers may know quite well already: I'm one to rant and ramble quite a bit! But alas, it has been busy and summer's been terribly exhausting. Though it sounds daunting that my summer can be verbified. Ew, is that even a word?
Just want to dish out several thanks:
Michael (I believe I would be a madwoman if it weren't for you);
Adalia (It's a relief you're back. No more long distance);
Sally (Oh darling, I've missed you! Thanks for talking);
豆豆 (For cheering me up AND CALLING!);
risCh (Your comment does my blog injustice in the anti-negative way because it's definitely not as good as you say it is, but thanks, because it encourages me to keep writing);
Chibi&Julie (You won't believe how much I've missed you guys). Alright, enough of these sappy prefaces that you invisible readers are probably not that interested in. I want to update you a little on the past weeks, if you're patient enough to hear about them. So, bear with me as I relay some of my thoughts and experiences from most recent to the past.
1. Deactivation of facebook.Why? You ask. I don't know... I kind of regret it. I keep thinking, why put my own happiness on the line for such a simple stupid matter? Yes, facebook is definitely a useful social utility though it causes some grief on my part. It really is difficult for me when I initiate and my friends don't answer... or when I feel like I'm giving more effort to keep in touch (hence my previous post). It's just a pet peeve I guess... and it's too much for me to handle. I know it's immature, but whatever, say what you want. I also want to see how self controlled I can be. Facebook has been such a negative addiction and frankly, I'm sick of it. Kind of. So if you want to talk to me, e-mail...or give me a ring.
2. K-JamsonI really don't want to sound ungrateful, because this is such an awesome experience. This summer is turning out to be completely what I did
not expect because of this job. I don't want to complain. I know if I look at it from a positive perspective it would be really great and all, but it's NOT and it's turning my brain to MUSH. I'm not doing anything useful. Yes, I may be gaining skills I need for the future...but I feel so stuck. The people who come into my store, they're going to end up somewhere beautiful, somewhere exciting, someplace that they have been anticipating maybe for years! But me? I'm in the store... selling something that they will carry with them on their trip to wherever. It just feels so mundane, it's the same thing every day. I feel so... romantically almost
tragically... stuck.
Honestly, I don't want to come off sounding like I'm some stupid kid who can't even be responsible enough to have a good attitude towards a summer job but on a second thought, maybe this is building me up to something. Letting me see a part of the world I've never had a chance to. Oh, stream of consciousness. My brain just jumps all over the place.
3. Dreams versus RealityI wish there was a switch in my brain that could turn the DREAM mode on and off. By dream, I don't mean day-dream. I mean dreams that swallow up your unconsciousness when you're sleeping. Aren't they a curious thing? A lot has been on my mind. The line of reality and fantasy has really been blurring in my life. There are certain images that I have dreamed that I keep thinking I've lived. These mental images make me do strange things. For those of you whose minds are in the gutter, I'm not talking about dirty dreams. I've never had any of those. I'm talking about dreams that seems to override anything else that I wake up to. I feel like those are integrated into my memories. I walk through my tangible life feeling like I've experience the place and the smells and the sounds that I experience during my dreams. Even more so, I feel like I'm living so much more vibrantly IN my dreams rather than during my reality.
During this brief hiatus away from my blog, I honestly haven't been doing much. I've been turning into mush. My physical, psychological, spiritual... everything everything. I feel like I'm going to work, coming home, eating, plopping in front of the TV... only half paying attention, then sleeping, then wake and start all over again. It's as if my ideal summer (an idyllic, lounge-around-and-do-nothing summer) is going down the drain. I want to go out, I want to watch movies, play around with friends, eat, shop, have time to READ other than my at-work-break-a-la-shopping-bench. I want to have time to daydream again. Oh my gosh, I really AM digressing.
Anyhow, about my dreams... they're tormenting me. It's too hard to differentiate dreams and reality now. I wish I could just disregard one of them... and just live the other one. In other words, I wish I was in the world of unreality and surreal-ness.
Wait, I'm not sure if i can stand something so intangible. Should give it more thought.
Maybe... I should try to "get the best of both worlds"?
4. Next time, okay?I just felt like saying that.
5. AdaliaYeah, because she
so deserves a heading to herself. Good friends are hard to come by, but bosom friends (term from
Anne of Green Gables) are even harder to come by. I know you hate this - stop rolling your eyes - thanks anyhow. Our time spent together is so relaxing... I can fully be myself. Not that I'm not with other people... just... yeah. 200lbs Beauty + POTC3 hehe!
6. Lansing NurseryI went to orientation... it's strange because I want to work with kids older than these ones. I'm into kids who can speak a little. These ones just stare blankly at me. They're adorable though, nonetheless. And of course I'm excited! One of the kids had an accident. As in peed in his pants. He wasn't very embarrassed... they haven't developed enough to be embarrassed. That's how young these little 'uns are. I don't know. I guess it'll be a good experience anyhow since I want to get a large range of kids that I've worked with.
7. The BooksI've been reading too much to keep track of which ones I've left off and stuff. But recently I've been reading a book called
Adverbs which is absolutely amazing I tell you. It's so good...but, more details on that later. I read
Shopaholic & Baby,
Knocked Up (no correlation to the movie whatsoever), a bit of
Wicked, almost all of
Secret Life of Bees, and now I'm full blown reading
Anonymous Lawyer which is satirical and a has some dark humour to it. It's quite interesting what goes through the minds of authors when they're portraying their ideas. What they convey may not be what they want to convey... but it's how the readers interpret it. Which is kind of weird, because you're reading my blog right now and I don't know what kind of a person you're interpreting me to be! Hah, the irony of it all. Anyhow... I'm going to keep going on this "reading spree" and get as much reading in as possible during my tiring long days. I want to write book reviews too. Wouldn't that be interesting?
8. The TellyIsn't that what my British friends would call "television"? Haha... I don't even know why in the world I started watching reality TV shows, it's like absurd. I laugh at the catfights and stuff... it's entertaining yet brain-numbing. They're really quite ridiculous. Yes, they probably show the sides of humans that we all don't want to admit to... but honestly - they're all so staged. Aside from reality TV, I've been getting back into the routine of watching drama non-stop and waiting for my brain to turn into burnt spaghetti. It's a satisfying experience: staying up until 3am in the morning having watch drama for the past God-knows-how-many-hours. Currently, I just finished
Heart of Greed (TVB - the whole cast of veterans and awesome young'uns *BOSCO!*) and now I've moved on to a Korean one which is just as addictive.
Witch Yoo Hee, this drama is like.... amazing, like you have no idea! Some Korean dramas are insanely daunting because they drag everything out and a kiss scene takes up 3 episodes... but this one is quick-paced and humourous. It's a charming and delightful kind of humourous! Definitely a good pick to watch.
Anyhow...Some ending remarksI'm honestly proud of you, reader for going through this entirety of grueling, boring, daunting piece of literature (if this can be called that at all). I've deferred the task of blogging for far too long. Now, I've come up with an all-too-immense blogpost. It's way too long. I completely did not expect you to go through all of that. If you did, put your right hand behind your left shoulder and give yourself a good pat. You deserve it.
Maybe even some chocolate, if you comment that is. I think everyone in most of my circles has given up blogging. It doesn't matter if blogging is "in" or not. This is a great space for me to do
whatever on.
I like the word piquant.
Being random is my talisman.
You're absolutely right:
I have no idea what that means.
(...some kind of charm perchance?)
