If you are a dreamer, come in,
If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar,
A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer...
If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire
For we have some flax-golden tales to spin.
Come in! Come in!... for where the sidewalk ends. - Shel Silverstein

These fragments I have shored against my ruins. - T.S. Eliot

ren-ka // alias. karrot,kawun
dob.11.10.

I live in a world where
lobster and corn can be very
good friends.

. email .

i have known the eyes already
songs: Strokes
tvb: dinner at 8
kvariety: nil
kdrama: ryeo
twdrama: love O2O
anime: nil
book: Moveable Feast Ernest Hemingway
website: moonbeard
website: stumble
headache: the boy

about the layout
Credits to magnette from blogskins.com, mods made by me.
Lots of it is inspired by T.S. Eliot's Hollow Men and Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.

- // 6:06 pm

Instead of doing my essay like I'm supposed to be,
I sit here and entertain stupid thoughts.

I want to know you.
I want to care.
I want you to let me know you.

I am a simpleton.
I just want you to take me to places
that you've been to.
I want to see you.
I want to learn who you really are.
I want to know if you are worth
what I am doing right now.

I want to know.
I want to feel that
thrill of risk.

I want to know.




- pessimism // 4:10 am

There doesn't seem to be a way around it.

I see it now, we are all just children in adult clothes. We are all just children in adult bodies. We live more abundantly, we have become more elaborate with our words, but we are just learning emptiness. We are breathing death. We are going nowhere near where we want to be. We have not changed, we are just children stuck in bigger issues.

We do not grow. We merely... exist in the same meaningless shell of time. Of cyclical madness. Of an interminable dark fortune destined for doom. Yet we find ourselves to be beautiful creatures. We seek hope but for naught. We wish to find light in this bleak, miserable state of immobility. We wish to entertain the thought that... there might a way out. But here's the catch, we're stuck.

There is no way out.

It snows, ever so lightly. And it flutters prettily.
But it is going nowhere. Just as we, we are going nowhere.
Just as snow, we, too - just flutter.

These thoughts are fleeting. And they come often, by night. But in this time of afternoon, on this particularly dreary and dreadful day, the afternoon is like the wasteland of my barren heart.

I am going nowhere.
I am sitting in this existence of nothingness
and I am making no progress.

I do the same things, say the same things, think the same things - and then I dream about them.
Though sleeplessness does continue.

What is this sleep of death that Hamlet speaks of?
I wonder... if it is what I seek.

...To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life...




- // 11:45 am

Why are you so far?
Why can't I reach you?

I breathe you.


And I wish I could stop breathing
so I could stop thinking about you.
Do you know that?

I don't want to sleep anymore
because every time I sleep
I dream of you.

There's gotta be more to life
than chasing down every
temporary high... to satisfy me.

Don't waste your time living.

I'm scaring myself here.





- because Portia puts it so nicely... // 12:59 pm

"How all the other passions fleet to air,
As doubtful thoughts, and rash-embraced despair,
And shuddering fear, and green-eyed jealousy!
O love, be moderate. Allay thy ecstasy.
In measure rein they joy. Scant this excess.
I feel too much thy blessing.
Make it less,
For fear I surfeit."
- Portia, Merchant of Venice (III.2)

"Some there be that shadows kiss.
Such have but a shadow's bliss."
- Merchant of Venice (II.6)

"The quality of mercy is not strained.
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath."
- Portia, Merchant of Venice (IV.1)




- // 3:36 am

I've said a lot of in the previous post, hopefully I will have some feedback or response to my thoughts?




- jesters jest. // 3:07 am

... We laugh and then it's over.

There's a blended mulch of winter and fall right now. The colour of leaves have bled all over the snow. The lake churns with unrest, like... how I would imagine the Thames would be. It's grey and cold. The sky reflected on the lake make it look polluted with despair, desolation. A feeling of dreariness and empty... empty... barren... it's like a wasteland. Ah, what have I become.

I was sloshing through the snow or more like slush that has become a blanket covering Queen's campus playing music from King and the Clown. I was reminded of ... how moving that movie was. Intense and extremely provocative. It dealt with issues I had not wished to dwell upon, but it was quite thought-provocative indeed. I view forbidden love with fascination. It's strangely enticing. Not that I would ever be interested in having it, but I believe it's such a revelation of human nature. We want what we can't have and we crave novelty. We are such petty creatures. There's a kind of love transcends any sort of mortality I believe; mortality meaning all the things that come with it: corruption, monstrosities, muderous intent, insanity. That kind of love, no matter what kind: brotherly or romantic will push anyone to their limits.

Speaking of which, insanity was also explored. To what extent does power corrupt? Tyranny and insanity, do those two things go hand in hand? What power does fate have in the grand scheme of things. And fate will take you somewhere that you don't want to be. The past will live on, no matter what.

"The past is not dead. In fact, it's not even past." - William Faulkner

I was also quite fascinated by the switching of roles within the movie. The King and the Clown. In the end, who was the King? Who was the clown? Puppets are such sad things.

Moving along...

Becoming Jane was by no means an amazing movie. Some parts were... alright I suppose, but it was not all that impressive. However, each time I walk past the movie poster, I can't help but stand in front of it for a few moments... entranced. Mesmerized. Anne Hathaway's eyes are beautiful. They have such lucidity that pierce you almost. And of course, the actor who plays the main male role is by no means an ugly person. He seems to have some sort of poise, suaveness that makes my heart flutter a little bit when he opens his mouth to speak or even when he's just staring intently at Anne. If any of you happen to come across a Becoming Jane poster, hopefully you can pick one up for me.

On the topic of unrequited love, as that is one of the most discussed topic in the realm of my mind. I've decided that unrequited love eats at you, like gluttony or greed. It's actually quite scary. It takes a large toll on your system, your brain, your heart. It's this hopeless unknown feeling. It's thrilling, there's a sense of anticipation, false hope. But at the same time, it hurts. Painful and bitter. I'm such a hopeless romantic, wishing for something that would never happen. Getting my head out of the clouds is difficult I must admit. So unrequited love lives on.

But I can't do anything about it.
Because I don't have the courage.
And so I wait and wait, and in my heart
I know nothing will come of it.

But...let it be, I will live on.




- ...so forgive me for these petty thoughts // 11:35 pm

The frost nips at my dry skin.
My face has become pale and dull from sleeplessness.
Winter has begun her death toll on the city and
I.

I am feeling the cold.
It is cold and I feel every part of my body becoming
frozen in the impalpable wind.
I rush to where I want to go,
I push forward to a destination of
warmth.
But I am not warmed. I do not become warm.
I remain frostbitten.
I remain cold.

I want to be held.
I yearn to be held by one I love.
I want to have that feeling of warmth
surging through my body.
Just hold me until I sleep.

Just take my hand and
give me breath again.

Don't let me die in this cold

interminable

abyss.

Just hold me. Please.




- sometimes, it's just not enough // 11:00 pm

It's one of those times again.
Sometimes my dreams and reality collides and I can't choose.
Though I've been forced to choose already.
Sometimes it's as though time stands still for me but everyone else is
moving... moving...
moving away.

It's one of those times where I rediscover and reconcile my identity and try to pick out what can stay and what must go. Where am I going? Who am I walking with? Who do I want to walk with? Why am I do I feel so isolated and out of place.

Why, when a million things are happening at once... I shut down.

I don't know what I'm talking about. Just murmuring.
I need to stay consistent. I don't know where time is taking me anymore. I'm getting so lost within this... capsule of imagination. I'm breathing the past, and losing the future and in a sense running away from the present.

So much to face, but I'm a coward and refuse to own up to it.

I always refer to my favourite poem.

As Prufrock says,

Indeed there will be time...
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

...te wo tsunaide




- quintessence of time // 6:35 pm

If you just pause to ponder this awhile, you may actually come across something that you might find interesting.

Let us explore once again the philosophical issue of time and how it does funny things with our minds. Let us imagine, my dear readers, this:

A person who can see everything in the future.

Now, imagine that person was you. Would you not be lonely? Would you not be bitter and sad? Everything is over for you already, but it hasn't happened yet. You can perceive everything, but you can't stop it from happening. You know all things that others do not, but will soon. You try to grasp the present, but it's already the past for you. Everything is just the past for you because you already know it.

Does knowing bring pain? Will knowing bring bitterness? Hurt? Sadness? Sorrow?

What if we just lived in the bliss of a lemonade fizz dream.

Let's stop imagining and take a step back. Let us live our lives not to predict the future, but living each day to fulfill some sort of a future. The past, present and future is happening very simultaneously right now. Do you not feel this portentous, magnificent moment?

Do you not smell anticipation; do you not taste excitement; can you not touch, feel the next time you breathe, the next time your heart makes another beat; do you not hear the rush of breeze blowing softly against your hair, urging you to go on? Urging you to reach for your passion.

Push forward my friends. This moment is a beautiful moment. Seize it, mold it.

And how must I even begin to explore love in relation to time?
And how must I even begin to reach for something that is too
impossible.

Let us be content. Let us not become the woman Naomi has become in the book of Ruth in the Bible. Man, I just loved that sermon. I want to explore further into Ruth's story.




- just some thoughts // 6:46 am

It's my last day being 18. WHAT?! IT'S MY LAST DAY BEING 18. It's another one of those years that I must wave sadly good-bye to. Let's just say, I lived recklessly... made crazy mistakes. Tears, laughter, growth. Joy, blessings, giving thanks. My 18th year on this earth could be considered to be quite well-lived. Yes, I'm happy with it. And now, I'm going to move on to a new stage in life.

Oh, just wanted to share something before that. Taken from The Paper Bag Princess by Robert Munsch, here's the blurb to the ending of the story. Oh, how I wish I could accept that as a happy ending just as the princess in the story has:

"Prince," said the Princess, "your clothes are really pretty and your hair is very neat. You look like a real prince, but you are a bum."

They didn't get married after all.

Actually, it was a happy ending. I find it to be happy. Please let my prince have neat hair, pretty clothes and look like a real prince, but please: let him not be a bum like the prince in Paper Bag Princess.

I don't care anymore actually. I really don't. Now is time to focus on growth, on love of friendship.

Let me drown in bliss of innocence and ignorance.

I'm being random. I digress. I'm distracted. I'm restless.

But I exist. And for today, I want you to see me. I want you to know I'm here. Just for today.

Because tomorrow is my metamorphosis. I will shed away another year of regrets, another year of ugliness, another year of experience, of love, of strength, of weakness.

I will shed away and arise out of my cocoon as someone beautiful.

Just wait and see. I will be beautiful. I will shine more than I've ever shone before. Because I will love and I will wait.

I will love.

Tomorrow, I am 19.




- impalpable // 1:04 pm

After a brief hiatus, I am finally back. The content of my blog has been suffering recently, so I've stopped. Someone told me to take a step back and look at my life. But, I'm living it! It's too hard to do it. Taking a step back from my life means looking at my life pass me by... why would I do that?

I saw dancing lights recently. Perhaps the lights are the reflections of the stars above? V said that. I have once again fallen in love with V for Vendetta. It's so passionate. It's something I want to have inside me. I want that fire, that passion for something. I don't know if you'll ever understand my yearning for passion. Something that is my aspiration.

God is in the rain.

Oh love. Where art thou? I have searched high and low and yet you have abandoned me. So I will stop and wait for you to come back. And as I wait, let me embrace this ideal that I will never grasp.

I've also rediscovered the beauty of Wicked. I don't think I'll ever get over how much I like that musical. I love musicals. So many things could make me happy. I wish my joy could spill over and rush into everyone else around me.

That's who I want to be.

These are all very abstract things. But I've begun to live a tangible and beautiful thing called friendship. There are people I must thank, and I will use this blog to thank those people. I always pull one of these and I know it gets boring... but it just doesn't seem right to not do this.

Jackie: You are honestly the best house mate anyone could ever ask for. We will keep each other up. Thank you for being there. All the time. I appreciate your presence so much.

Adalia: I couldn't ask for a more tolerant best friend. I don't know how to thank you enough for bothering to keep in touch with me.

Sally: Thanks for the random fun times =)!

Michael Li: Who would I be without a dose of Michael Li? You've given me too much for me to thank you for.

Rodman Dao Dao: Thanks for being part of my family. Thank you for being there and thank you for sharing. Thank you for being my Kingston dad.

Ryu: Thanks so much, for everything. I mean it. Everything.

Paulo: Not that you'd ever read this, but... yeah thanks for letting me be me in front of you.

Julian&Chibi: Thanks for keeping in touch, thanks for not forgetting that I still exist. =)

小軒子(Derek): I really enjoy talking to you. Thanks for sharing your time and thoughts with me.

And of course to everyone else who loves me and supports me. I love you all. This month will be a wonderful one. Let's start dancing through life again, shall we? (Yeah, it's a quote from Wicked!)

I can't wait till Masquerade, 19th and SINGCON10!!!

Remember, remember
the 5th of November;
The Gunpowder Treason and Plot.
I know of no reason why
The Gunpowder Treason and Plot
should ever... be forgot.

Let us have a silent revolution, shall we?

aaron.
alvsze.
dani.
helen.
jon yu.
kawai.
linda.
mike.
ness.
peas and duck.
sally.
sam.
steph.
twiggers.

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