talking of Michaelangelo.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
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I am terrified. // 10:59 am
Because liking someone is like falling into a deep hole that I'll never be able to get to the bottom of. I constantly feel like I'm going to forget to breathe. I feel self-conscious.
I'm not myself anymore and I'm terrified.
Terrified because I've always been taught to be true to myself.
I like you so much.But I know I don't love you. You're like a cigarette addiction.No matter how many nicotine patches I try to put on myself...it seems futile. I'm not going anywhere. Just in circles and cycles of useless fantasizing, wishing...this word: hope. It torments me, day and night. I know it's going to go nowhere. We will go our separate ways. There are 21 days left. In these 21 days... nothing is going to happen. And maybe that's all the better for the both of us.Maybe years down the road, I'll be grateful becauseI know you'll never be the one for me.This cigarette addiction has to stop or it's going toget out of hand and I'm going to die from it.I'll only hurt myself in the end. It's so... terrifying how addictive this is.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
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My professor is a psychic! // 10:31 pm
"When I mark those papers, I sit there and just want to
die. I can tell that people just bullsh*t their way through their essays! They have no idea what they're talking about. I must go through all this bull and I can never tell when it's actual content. I makes me want to just take the entire thing and throw it out a window!"
Wow... that's like, what I usually do. Shoot.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
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...music is the food of love (Twelfth Night) // 10:43 pm
Just a whole bunch of songs, thrown together, expressing some of my sentiments of these couple of weeks. Here they come:
It's raining, it's pouring,
the old man is snoring...
Starry starry night,
paint your palette blue and grey
look out on a summer's day...
with eyes that know the darkness in my soul.
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and daffodils.
Catch the breeze and winter chills.
And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Ah, look at all the lonely people
Ah, look at all the lonely people
Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been
Lives in a dream
Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?
All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?
He wear no shoeshine he got toe-jam football
He got monkey finger he shoot coca-cola
He say "I know you, you know me"
One thing I can tell you is you got to be free
Come together right now over me
He bag production he got walrus gumboot
He got Ono sideboard he one spinal cracker
He got feet down below his knee
Hold you in his armchair you can feel his disease
Come together right now over me
I can see me loving nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me
Baby the skies will be blue
For all my life
Me and you
And you and me
No matter how they tossed the dice
It had to be
The only one for me is you
And you for me
So happy together
How can I think I'm standing strong,
Yet feel the air beneath my feet?
How can happiness feel so wrong?
How can misery feel so sweet?
How can you let me watch you sleep,
Then break my dreams the way you do?
How can I have got in so deep?
Why did I fall in love with you?
This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been
Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen,
This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known,
I was never crazy on my own…
And now I know that there's a link between the two,
Being close to craziness and being close to you.
Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone
Here we are again, circles never end
how do I find the perfect fit
there's enough for everyone
but I'm still waiting in line...
Enough of this. It's time to go off and live my life wearing that face I keep in a jar by the door. Good day everyone. Try to figure out what songs they are.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
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honey and clover (and tofu) // 4:14 am
I often find myself obsessing about my favourite anime (yes, still... to this day, nothing can beat it)
ハチミツとクローバ.
It wasn't before long that I find that... while Honey and Clover can make me feel this gush of passion and warmth and bliss... it couldn't really satisfy a lot of my other... needs.
So, I have found my ultimate remedy.
A remedy for a
tummy ache - Honey and Lemon
A remedy for a
cold - Honey and Lemon
A remedy for
glum and blah - Honey and Lemon
A remedy for
missing love - Honey and Lemon
A remedy for
loneliness - Honey and Lemon
A remedy for
loss of friendship - Honey and Lemon
A remedy for
chaos - Honey and Lemon
A remedy for suicidal thoughts - Honey and Lemon
A remedy for
lack of serenity - Honey and Lemon
So, other than Honey and Clover...
now, I have found another obsession with Honey in it.
And I thank you for it, Rodman Chan
for I have rediscovered my peace.
And sanity. It comes in my yellow upside down world of hippos.
My hot cup of remedy awaits... (and my nice little dish of almond tofu flower)this post is dedicated to Rodman Chan, the best daddy a girl could have.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
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missing: the me in me // 1:43 am
And it's not supposed to be easy to find.
Balance is not an easy thing to master, or by any means... grasp. With three essays coming up within the next three weeks, I feel like I'm jeopardizing my entire year's marks. I'm really walking on a tight rope right now. There is a great chance that I will probably not make it into my program, which freaks me out. My GPA is nothing near what my parents expect them to be at (or think they're at).
And I want to confess, as a sort of relief to my system. I will fully admit that I did not work hard during 2nd semester. Throughout 1st semester, I found myself motivated and upbeat about my love for the English Department. But my
enthusiasm, unfortunately, was short-lived.
But everytime I attended my ENGL292 Literature Criticism class (I have to admit here that, I find it difficult to attend those 8:30s regularly) I rediscover that passion. My professor, Laura Murray, is so captivating. No, her passion is captivating. The way she speaks is so compelling. I can tell you right now that I completely hate the material she teaches, but I find myself contemplating it and considering it because of my respect to her as my professor. I can
feel her absolute priorty to KEEP at it. She has discpline to read, to read what she's passionate about. She constantly learns. And she reads! Oh, she reads SO much! She's so knowledgeable, she stands up for herself. I adore her as a person. Professor Murray, you remind me why I want to keep going in this discipline.
Now, what must I confess? I am an English major... and I'm not where NEAR the amount I should be reading. In actual fact, I don't read! I whiz through my courses, trying to "wing" them. That's why I'm not growing in my discipline. That's why I'm stuck in this non-agent, unmoving, progressless state. I'm not going forward, I'm not going backward. I'm just floating.
I feel as though I'm ruining myself and not doing anything about it. In fact, I may log off this blog now and then go and do something completely unrelated.
But while I'm in this moment, while I'm still conscious about my irresponsibility for saying all these things I'm still feeling how inappropriate that I'm not doing anything about it. I do not want to be a useless person. But I feel like I'm sitting on my bum just talking about wisps of nothingness that won't go anywhere.
How does a current gush forward without wind?
I need something to push me. But at the same time, I need something to keep me grounded and I have that! I have that. But I'm stuck, so stuck. So what do I want, something to pull me down or something to push me forward.
I am becoming fatigued with my need to catch up with EVERYTHING. And there's no one who can help me, except for myself. There are things I must do, actions I must take to make myself passionate with the things to back me up.
If not, perhaps there is something else that will challenge me? Learning for learning's sake.
Let me breathe in that passion, that progression. Let me find that in myself rather than depending on other people to give me that kick, or spoon-feed me.
I used to hate it when teachers say "We're going to have to stop spoon-feeding you guys all the answers." It made me angry because the metaphor doesn't even make any sense! I've never eaten lunch with you, leave me alone! I don't want you to feed me. Simultaneously, and subconsciously, I hated it because I know that's what I want. I want all the answers to be given to me, but I know the highest form of education is like self-discovery, research.
It makes me upset that I'm not the type to do that though. I want it, and I want it fast.
I think we all have two types within us: the type we want to be but we're not, and the type we are, that we might not necessarily want to admit to being. Our representation of ourselves often comes out being a confused muddled mess of those two types. So, who do you see when you see me?
I find more and more often that these two binaries are being put to the test. The opposition within me gives me this feeling of tension. There's this dual nature within me. No matter what, I don't want to reveal that monster. So I try to pull it off, pretending I'm fine with who I am. Maybe it's because I don't want to take ownership of my own reality.
To be honest, I don't deliberately put on some show for people. I am not pretentious and I certainly hope you don't think I am pretentious. If you do, you are sadly mistaken. But that's your problem, not mine.
I don't really care what you think. I just want to know if you care.
There are a lot of words here, I have tried to make things more interesting with formatting. I did not expect you to have read through all that. It's all just me, playing around with my own mind. You had no obligation to go through that. If you did, I'm so proud of you. You must love me a lot.
The world is a messy place, if I want to make my own stand in this chaotic place, the only way is to grasp that dissonance within me and project it to the already messed up place I have been born into.
Friday, March 07, 2008
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// 11:41 am
You are by no means the only people who know how to slam and lock doors. 太過分
Thursday, March 06, 2008
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...the heart seeks pleasure first // 9:21 am
On many occasions these days I have found myself always wanting to distract myself. Slowly but surely I am fading into an identity absent form. I have become someone who I cannot grasp. Like water, slipping through my fingers. I am experiencing this feeling of intense abyss. This deep void within me. Like I cannot touch who I used to be, or who I want to be. Like who I am now... is just some unknown shadow that is going to disappear once I turn into wisps of smoke.
Smoky mirrors. I'm feeling lost. Perhaps I'm often lost in my thoughts and that is why I am like this. Contemplation never takes me down a positive road. I end up with troubling dreams, disturbing consciousness... like I'm living in some reality that is not mine. It's like watching myself go through the motions, doing what I should be doing. Not being spontaneous, not breathing.
I feel like a fish out of water, an beast amongst many beautiful things. An outsider, alienated, looking in... into myself, wondering if I could put my pieces together again.
But I was never one who was patient with puzzles.
I often find myself drowning... thinking about things that I cannot have, things I cannot call my own. Things, things, things. Things I wish I could hold and embrace. I suffocate in the water, yet I find peace in it. I am the definition of an oxymoron.
I am easily fazed.
I'm not crying for pity. I'm crying out to myself to find that self that I used to be so sure I had. That I was so aware of that I had. I have it in me somewhere, but right now it's not there anymore. All because of that one thing. That one person.
I wish for many things. Many things that won't come true. That's why I won't shatter what I have. Perhaps this insanity, this ... peace-lacking serenity is where I will be all my life. This chaotic, but sublime dissonance is where I belong.
This place of unbelonging.
That's where I can stand. That's who I am.
I come back to a quote I came across in a film I saw last year:
The Piano. Where Ada, the heroine, looks in on her own life as an Other and says about her own death:
"At night! I think of my piano in its ocean grave, and sometimes of myself floating above it. Down there everything is so still and silent that it lulls me to sleep. It is a weird lullaby and so it is; it is mine." She alludes to Thomas Hood on another occasion: "There is a silence where hath been no sound / There is a silence where no sound may be / In the cold grave, under the deep deep sea." Such beauty. Such numb sublimeness.
Maybe the silhouettes will keep me company as I sleep. The terrible things coming from Pandora's box all belong to me.
I am Pandora and I let them out.
And that ocean grave is where I will live.
Dead, but alive and beautiful.
And
strong, because one day.
One of these long and gruesome days, I will forget you and be myself again.
Just you wait and see.
