talking of Michaelangelo.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
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inevitable // 10:10 am
I suppose.
It's all come to this: I know exactly why I'm here where I am right now.
I belong even though I've changed and adapted. But I know so surely that I've stayed up all those essay nights, all those worried moments when I wouldn't make it.
It was all to lead me to this.
366
Monday, October 27, 2008
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rem⋅i⋅nisce // 11:07 am
好一句: 「心在, 人不在...」
Friday, October 24, 2008
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the irony // 3:27 pm
You know, I highly recommend Dr. Horrible to you.
(as in you bored readers out there)It's got this twisted kind of humour and though the musical talent didn't blow me away, the songs themselves were amazingly put together. The harmonies perfect. The lyrics witty and smart.
The hilarity is mainly from how absurd it is and the issues it addresses. What is a hero and what is a villain? The paradoxes of good and evil. The little bits and pieces of love that pinches you along the way. It really made me think about what a comedy is and what a tragedy is. Guess this would be what you could consider as a problem play, but less Shakespearean (hah! applying what I've learned). I digress, it's really quite an awesome musical.
The cast is perfect. The plot blew me away, made me laugh at all the right times. Some interesting music that sounded almost Sweeney-Toddesque almost. Which really did impress me. The lyrics just were so on-point. I loved it.
Please watch it, it's an online thing. So just go to www.veoh.com and search up Dr. Horrible.
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with my freeze ray i will stop, the world // 3:00 pm
I need to get my life back in order. Everything is falling apart around me in shambles and I'm tired of having to pick up the rubble.
Wish there was a restart button.
(Be careful what you wish for.)
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
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"let's talk about Eliot" // 9:05 am
Double orange intake.
Try to look forward to the better, whatever that is.
(Remember Vardaman? Remember Vardaman and the oranges?)
Dynamics are a funny thing. The dynamics that intertwine and the dynamics that clash. The factors that mix, that blend, and fly in the face of simplicity. While you smell something foul you may be hearing something marvelous and pleasant. While your mind is engaged in lively discussion you may be fatigued by the routine of reality, actual life. You may be having dilemmas that you can't see the tunnel opening to, but still, you run, you hope, you try to see the light amidst the brown fog. Conflict.
Fear death by water.For the past two 366 classes, I've been having mini heart explosions. I tremble when we get into discussion of Eliot's
The Wasteland. It's not because I've studied it before. It's because every time I sit down with this thing, I get something new from it. I can draw out new things.
Blood rushes to my cheeks and I'm exhilarated by this sense of ambiguity this sense of the poet playing with your sense, with everything.
The fact that we're stuck in this existence due to our own ignorance, our own apathy. The fact that we can be so displaced, misplaced, disconnected, but so intertwined at the same time. It's all so confusing so invigorating to know that there are people who think who discuss these things.
I can do this forever and ever.
T.S. Eliot is a genius beyond what I can ever imagine. His intertextuality just baffles me. He must've read and retained a lot of intellect which he can so readily and easily regurjitate and of course, brings it back to himself. It becomes to personal and so individualized, but at the same time talking to everyone.
I admire his quest. I admire what he creates, admire what he "steals" because he can.
I feel so small when I read his work, yet I feel so honoured that I have the chance to study him once again and learn from him once again.
The sense of transcending time, transcending understanding.
For some reason, I wish I could do that. I wish I could see it all.
Oh the prophetess Sybil, who lives in her miserable existence in her bottle, who waits and wants to die because she doesn't want to watch her own prophecies to come to pass.)
Dynamics. Hope, breathe, it will be better soon. Resolution.
Social, Psychological, Physical.
Dynamics. I've settled my heart now - it's time to return.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
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my cup of tea // 7:01 pm
After some reflection (though not entirely deep and most certainly something sprung from procrastination), I have formulated a list of characters from the fiction (in the television media) I indulge myself in weekly or even daily. So let me share them with you, in no particular order of preference or love towards them:
Sheldon Cooper,
Big Bang TheoryBarney Stinson,
How I Met Your MotherChuck Bass,
Gossip GirlChristina Yang,
Grey's AnatomyGregory House,
HouseMark Kanemura,
So You Think You Can Dance Season 4David Cook,
American Idol Season 7Quite an extensive list, no?
Mm, my cup of tea.
Monday, October 20, 2008
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essay nights?! // 12:08 pm
My ears clean, my eyes clear.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
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so what // 11:48 am
You don't have to agree with me or my taste. Just don't insult me and mine.It usually doesn't matter what you think.It really doesn't - but it's just because you matter to me.I try hard - at nothing. All for nothing.So what?
So I am indignant and angry for nothing.
Nothing at all.
I really like
Sad Book by Michael Rosen.Read it, if you have time.
(It makes me quite sad, yet enlightens me at the same time.)
Friday, October 17, 2008
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the domino effect. // 5:33 am
Causality Progression:
1. Fall behind the math/physics curriculum in elementary school.
2. Suck at it in high school - topped with some terrible (and terrifying) teachers.
3. Fail calculus miserably.
4. Drop gr.11 calculus one week before exams - continue to feel like a failure in math (and other areas).
5. Not take gr.12 calculus or physics.
6. Be told that it's
not a requirement for P/J ConEd
7. Be told that it
IS a requirement for P/J ConEd
8.a) Hate it.
8.b) (Yes, I'm a hater!)
9. Force myself to take PHYS015.
10. Hate it. Make Michael teach it to me.
11. Hate it. Go to the exam.
12. Fail. Miserably.
It all started... way back then.
Not that any of you were interested in that at all. But that's like the chronological order of how I fail. Miserably.
Would you rather be blind or deaf?See, if you had to choose one and you chose deafness, at least you would still see colours and beautiful things. If you were blind an couldn't hear, then you could shut out all the noises. If I was half deaf, I would rather be fully deaf. The noises of half deafness would just frustrate me. If I was blind, well. I wouldn't want to be. And I'm so blessed to not be either.
Oh shoot, what about music. I guess it would be quite devastating for me to not hear music. Oh damn. I am so blessed. I am so blessed.
I would want both unblindness and undeafness.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
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Sometimes, // 4:28 am
...you would resurface to my mind. So clearly, but also blurry at the same time. The songs, the moments, the smells we claimed to be our own. The faces we met together. All the times you would give me the comfort I need in the times I need it most.
...you would resurface to my mind, but I wouldn't know what to do with it except put it away in neat little packages in my mind's closet.
Sort of like - pyromania. It's like something I should've burned in the burning room that we were slow dancing in.
You are far gone and will never come back. But I idly play with you in my mind like an animated thing hanging on a ladder in the air -- not hanging on anything.
It's not that I want you to come back either, it's like a scorch mark - something burned into me. I don't mind it. Yet, it haunts me sometimes.
Just sometimes, in the times when I think if.
I am not unhappy.
Friday, October 10, 2008
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exasperation // 1:38 am
Okay, you know what. Sometimes I don't think I can take it. I know - I am like this too. Just all the time. But I can't help being a hypocrite - I hate it when people do it to me.
I hate it so much.
I am sorry. I am sorry for doing nothing to you. I am sorry.
What can I say to make things better?
Thursday, October 09, 2008
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// 8:13 pm
Giggling like a little girl?
Crazy? (about...?) you?
Hah!
Sunday, October 05, 2008
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// 5:24 pm
It's undeniable - you give me strength to continue. Even though you're an uncertain, inconstant presence in my life... you keep me going.
I am still breathing this life because of you you you. You, this all-too-ideal dream that I think I could own.
But, I know, it's as fragile as crystal and can break
any moment
any moment
any moment
any moment
I'm just waiting, and I know it will pay off.
(I hate my optimism. Despite all.)
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running away as soon as I have the chance. // 12:58 pm
I want to shut my ears and scream:
I DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOU OR WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING I DON'T WANT TO KNOW I DON'T WANT TO CARE GO AWAY AND STAY AWAYBut I guess that's not possible... considering that... even if I do do that, I will still hear myself screaming those words. I guess that's also not possible because even if I do scream those words and not hear it, I'll still feel them and hear that I'm consciously trying to rid myself of these incomprehensible, stupid thoughts. (Why are they incomprehensible? I don't even know myself.)
The present feels mucky and the future is apprehensive, even horrifying. And the past? Hah. Let's not even get into that.
What a satisfying death, that death of wading into the river. It must've been cold. I mean Virginia Woolf.
The weather is getting cold. The water is above my nose - the workload is piling. I need to put my life back in order. The poppy must be thrown out. Remembrance Day is over for me. Time to step back onto dry land and feel like I'm standing on solid ground.
I am just afraid. I am just afraid - mortified, I would say.
So raw, these thoughts. Perhaps I shouldn't post them.......
