talking of Michaelangelo.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
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// 1:42 pm
The world came crashing down as he said those words.
Monday, December 29, 2008
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do you remember // 7:43 am
Max Tivoli?
I do. My heart feels so numb right now, like I've been eviscerated and left with nothing more but a a way to breathe and live. Oh, living. It feels a little crueler each moment I breathe.
"Life isn't measured in minutes, but in moments."
I went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button today and I was not at all surprised nor disappointed. Almost exactly the same story as Confessions of Max Tivoli, still just as heartbreaking, tearjerking. We have here a painted and moving picture of this heartwrenching thing. Bursting of colours similar to Fight Club (the movie is by the same director David Fincher). The colours were perfect. The story feels like that though all the colours portray all the same sentiments it feels. Yellowy, aging... you can almost smell it. That's what I call a good movie. Something you can almost sense without your just simply eyes and ears. You can almost touch those wrinkles on his face.
There were appropriate times to laugh and appropriate times to cry. My tears felt so free. It truly is a heartbreaking story. Moving backwards. We are all moving backwards. We are all alone. We are all... alone.
I wish I had words to offer you from the movie. Some quotes. But it was all so beautiful. So blurry... my sight blurring. My eyes, my eyes could touch it though. Could feel the heart of the characters. My heart hurt with them.
I remember Max Tivoli. Powerful. There's a love that's so powerful that I'm afraid it scorches me. Something aches. Words words words flood my mind. Love floods my mind.
I wish I had words for you. But some words from Fight Club come to my mind instead. Though, somewhat irrelevant. "When you have insomnia... you're never really asleep..... and you're never really awake."
I think that's how I walk through life.
turbulent winds, tumultous sleep.
It's been hard, sleeping.
I feel hollow.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
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happy birthday (belated) Jesus // 12:42 am
Christmas feels so commercialized nowadays. What with boxing day shopping and the decorations, Christmas paraphernalia... feels like the holiday spirit has drowned out the "real reason" that we're all celebrating. I mean it's cheesy to say, but you can take him as an iconic figure or... I don't know... some historical figure if you don't take him as your personal Saviour.... but don't forget about him?
It is his birthday afterall. So, Jesus, happy birthday my friend.
As his birthday present... I decided to do a devotional. (I know, it's quite hypocritical of me, but I believe that in some strange way that God really did plant this thought in my mind for a purpose.) I think the purpose was very clear (a blurb from the devotional):
"I once heard a sermon preached on this subject in a church in Mnnesota. It was titled, "The Camels Are Coming." The basic message was that if we are in the will of God, He will always bring our provisions to us. We don't have to try to chase it down; it will seek us out. We don't have to try to make things happen; God will bring them to us." - Joyce Meyer
Talk about how closely this is linked to me and how much I needed to hear that. But thank you for that. I will heed it as best I can. I was near tears after I read it.
Surrender. Never an easy thing.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
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pyromania // 12:54 pm
今次真係玩出火.
暗戀這樣可怕的玩意...終於玩出火.
發覺原來一啲都唔好玩.
而家想退縮都無辦法.
一年了... 話短又唔算短...話長又唔算長.
到現在... 連在哪裡出錯我自己都唔知.
可能我係天真到以為紙真係可以包得住火.
終於我唔為意地就什麼都揭穿...
想冚, 想補救...冚都冚唔住... 救都救唔到
They all know now. They all know.
Instead of relief, what is this I feel? Fear.
It feels like I'm trapped in a whirlwind of...
my own idiocy.
玩?
明戀我真係做唔出... 過唔到自己個關...
覺得自己好無用... 一點勇氣都無...
遇到困難就變成縮頭烏龜.
好無用 好無用
我只可以放棄.
只可以希望有一日我會懂得怎樣等.
我一定會找到 ....
It's like the walls are falling down around me and I have no where to hide. So for now, I will give up. I will retrieve, I will be the coward I am.
I will give in to everything and I will give in to nothing. I have too much to lose.
In your eyes I have become nothing, so in my eyes... you will be the same. Though I can't help but revisit you sometimes... so I will hide until I am ready to leave you behind me.
不要再玩火太危險... 太可怕... 太困難... 太多人知... 太無面... 太可怕我好怕 怕你怎樣看我... 太怕瘀... 太怕畀人笑... 最怕都是我自己... 失去控制...
玩得太投入... 忘記好容易就會燒到自己... 連痛都唔覺...
panic. pathetic.
I'm cutting my hair.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
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officially // 2:39 pm
It's been exactly a year.
Happy anniversary, though I'm sure you've forgotten already.
My existence has been reduced to
a measly tiny spot on your brain.
(You clog up my everything, my aorta, my arteries, veins, everything. You are a huge clot in my mind. I can't get rid of you. you you you)
I am nothing, yet again.
Why am I so pathetic.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
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films by the fire // 12:58 am
It's winter. Who wants to go out with they can just stay in bed forever and watch movies? :) My movie marathon has commenced! My goal is to compile a set of movies that I have been meaning to watch since forever and watch them all! (Not to mention cuddling with good books, but that's for later.) Anyhow, starting from yesterday, I will watch one movie a day until my break is over. And I will try to make some comments or post some inspirational quotes about/from them. If I enjoyed them, what they made me think of. So if you're interested in films... you can get ready for some really karrotean style of critique that digs deep into her soul more than anyone else's. Without further ado, first up, we have...
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Minds
Watched: 12/12/08
Are we the dining dead?
It's a mouthful to say, the title. But it's borrowed from Alexander Pope's poem "Eloisa to Abelard":
"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;"
To be honest this movie was stunning. It was visually captivating. The characters were believable and very tangible. The story was just amazing, so thought provoking yet funny in the right parts. It was so good it almost reminded me of Time Traveler's Wife. I mean... that's a pretty big compliment on my part.
It melted my heart... this sense of memory and losing it. It was right up my alley really. The personalities of the people, the darker deeper side of things.
Hide me under something deeper, hide me under humiliation.
The relationship between two people, the bond that makes people forgive and forget and move on. The strong tug of attraction that never dies.
Lying on thin ice, risking everything and everything for happiness.
Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.
Joel: I know.
Clementine: What do we do?
Joel: Enjoy it.
So powerful. So endearing.
Please let me keep this memory just this one.
I mean I completely recommend it to EVERYONE. It's a must-watch. I hardly give movies so high, but this one was definitely a 5-stars movie.
If you had the chance to forget, would you? Would you let go of everything to start over again?
Clementine: I wish you had stayed.
Joel: I wish I had stayed too. NOW I wish I had stayed. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish I had... I wish I had stayed. I do.
....
Clementine: You were scared?
Joel: Yeah. I thought you knew that about me. I ran back to the bonfire, trying to outrun my humiliation.
Clementine: Was it something I said?
Joel: Yeah, you said "so go." With such disdain, you know?
Clementine: Oh, I'm sorry.
Joel: It's okay.
[Walking Out]
Clementine: Joely? What if you stayed this time?
Joel: I walked out the door. There's no memory left.
Clementine: Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one.
The crumbling house, it was so beautiful. Everything was so beautiful. The wintery scenes.
You know, I want someone to cuddle with when I watch it. I mean, don't mean to sound weird or anything. It was really "nice".
There's something so deep and profound, but I can't capture it in words, it escapes me. But I will talk more later.
But for now, it's time for Lost in Translation.
Keep in touch! Don't forget me this winter. I certainly have forgotten you already.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
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movie/book listing // 1:00 pm
12/12/08 - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Minds (5stars)
12/13/08 - Lost in Translation (2stars); Fight Club (4stars)
12/14/08 - SE7EN (3stars); Step Up (3.5stars)
12/15/08 - Inside Man (3stars)
12/16/08 - N/A (Updated on BSS+BBT+HIMYM)
12/17/08 - Pride and Prejudice Completed!
12/18/08 - Jay Chou's Concert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3
12/19/08 - Gone with the Wind (4stars); Notting Hill (5stars)
12/20/08 -
12/21/08 -
12/22/08 -
12/23/08 -
12/24/08 -
12/25/08 - Love Actually (5stars)
12/26/08 - Twilight Completed!
12/27/08 - Last Samurai (not done)
12/28/08 - Curious Case of Benjamin Button (5stars)
12/29/08 -
12/30/08 -
12/31/08 -
01/01/08 -
01/02/08 -
01/03/08 -
01/04/08 -
01/05/08 -
Friday, December 12, 2008
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bliss of nothingness // 2:00 am
Finally it's time for it to waste itself away.
EXAMS ARE OVER.
3rd YEAR 1st SEM IS OVER.
Thus, starts my (hopefully as eventless as possible) Christmas break. I intend to have a couple books read, snuggle in with a cup of hot tea with several movies. So unless you pull me out from my comfy position, don't expect to see me.
As in, it's that time of year again. Want me? Book me.
12/13/08 - stay in bed all day
12/14/08 - 5pm Michael's place to cook dinner
12/15/08 - Mailing Cards day!
12/16/08 -
12/17/08 -
12/18/08 - JayChou Concert w/Sally!
12/19/08 - dimsum w/dad+present Shopping
12/20/08 - SNOW DAY
12/21/08 - Adalia day!
12/22/08 - Sisterhood skating day! (LiMike tentative)
12/23/08 - Alfredo Reunion (Nutcracker!)+dinner w/Rossini,Paulo
12/24/08 -
12/25/08 -
12/26/08 -
12/27/08 - George&Mike skating! + movie
12/28/08 - skating w/Ling!
12/29/08 - F4 Hippo Gatherin'!
12/30/08 - Alfredo Reunion Gift Exchange
12/31/08 - Sisterhood? Countdown(?)
01/01/08 - Adalia day!
01/02/08 - Chiyo arrives!
01/03/08 - take Chiyo to ___
01/04/08 - take Chiyo to ___ (shop for Kingston groceries)
01/05/08 - back to le Kingston for the new sem.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
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now, I'm just disappointed. // 1:53 am
Sally was right. My existence to ____ has been reduced to status updates on my facebook wall.
I really don't stand a chance, do I?
Friday, December 05, 2008
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// 9:47 am
This essay writing business has put me into a state of misery.
I feel suffocated to death by words - or the lack thereof.
Edited 11:25pm, still Dec. 4, 2008
Dark cup of English Breakfast at approx. 1am.
I didn't really work until 3am.
Tried to get rest at 4:30am-5am.
The caffeine kept me up, tossing and turning pointlessly in bed - result, no sleep.
Tracking progress: 740 Words.
Far behind where I should be. Progress nonetheless.
Puffy bloodshot eyes. Death, day of doom as arrived.
16 hours left.
Edited 8:08am, Dec. 5, 2008
PROCLAMATION OF HATE
AGAINST CLARISSA, THE NOVEL.
Tracking progress: 1,292 Words - 708 left!
I should be able to able to do it.
Father points out bloodshot eyes.
Mother better not notice.
5 hours left.
Edited 6:50pm, Dec. 5, 2008
Tracking progress: 1,611 Words - DONE.
7 minutes left.
As of now, I am free from the shackles of
Clarissa W000000000000000000000000T
Edited 11:53pm, Dec. 5, 2008
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// 7:37 am
Maybe it's an excuse.
But I feel so drained ... of words.
I really do not want to write my final essay.
speechlessby Melissa O'NeilSometimes it's the words we don't say that get in the way
Time will break down the walls that we've built between us
I won't ever be speechless
This feeling takes me just like a painted sky
How do I describe all these colours insideNothing left for me to say anyway
* * *
What does that even mean?
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
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the countdown begins // 11:38 am
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 left
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hunger driven // 6:28 am
I was born with an enormous need for affection,
and a terrible need to give it.- Audrey Hepburn
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
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intoxicating words: shape without form, shade without colour / Paralyzed force, gesture without motion; // 3:02 pm
...from "Hollow Men" by my favourite poet, once again. Just very random excerpts that stirred me up a little.
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
...
Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
In death's dream kingdom
...
The supplication of a dead man's hand
Under the twinkle of a fading star
...
Waking alone
At the hour when we are
Trembling with tenderness
...
The eyes are not here
There are no eyes here
In this valley of dying stars
In this hollow valley
...
The hope only
Of empty men.
...
(and then few lines ahead my favourite, the ending)
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.
by Mr. Thomas Stearns Eliot, written in 1924-25
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// 9:25 am
"The memories that are nothing but mean everything."
Monday, December 01, 2008
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rage of thoughts // 4:08 pm
其實你是不是一早已經忘了我?
你會不會偶然想起我的?
直到現在我都還是無膽想起你以前的事...只會同人笑一笑就算...It's most difficult late at night.