talking of Michaelangelo.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
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// 11:27 pm
I opened a can of worms...
-
try not to be stupid. // 8:05 am
She felt her heart leap back into action when his hand was upon her forehead asking if she had a fever.
"No. I'm just warm."
There are butterflies where her stomach is supposed to be as his hand encloses around hers again.
Fleeting moments? Fleeting hours?
Don't turn back, it will never happen again.
Even if it did, you would not want it.
, listless
P.S. I've employed a style of writing that, is stolen. From someone who probably doesn't even care to look at this probably. So I'm sorry if you are that person and you feel infringed. I think at some point I even took words out of your mouth. Emulation is the best form of flattery. Apologies.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
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(hypocrite) hates clichés // 3:43 pm
I've never really felt this one so fully before.
How can I be standing so close, so close to someone... yet feel so....... far away.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
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So they say, // 5:44 am
the state of your room or desk is like the state of your mind.
To some extent this is really, really true. My room is littered with junk all over the floor and the desk, let's not even talk about the desk. It's not even a girl's room. It's gross.
Clutter this, clutter that.
And that is EXACTLY the state of my mind.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
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// 1:46 pm
need some guidance from above
'cause people got me got me questionin'
where is the love?
Thursday, January 21, 2010
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// 2:20 pm
Be careful what you say to someone.
It might be the last thing you ever say to them.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
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my soul in a different body // 4:42 am
Yesternight, I walked on the ceiling with a bunch of sheep. I reminisced with castle lovelies. And had a grown-uppy time. I felt like I was an adult... having adult conversations... playing Life for the first time... and having a fictional self...
Had such a delicious time with Vee and her friends :) One of them is going to go to New Zealand and take the LOTR tour and of course smuggle me a kiwi.
Felt really alive... for the first time inawhile.
My subconscious has been hibernating, and now I feel less vapid.
Delightful!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
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we're somewhere in between together // 1:57 pm
♪ I believe in memories, they look so so pretty when I sleep.
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dislike // 12:18 am
Oh, you Janus-faced liars. Get out of my life.
Friday, January 15, 2010
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dawning // 11:14 pm
All of a sudden, I feel existence is mild and bland.
Like nothing is really happening, I'm just....... floating.
Enjoying my free strong cup of tea from CoGro at Stauffer... empty empty Stauffer. Quiet except for that rhythmic humming of the vents. And my work laid out before me, and my eyes glazing over with drowsiness from the lack of sleep last night. That strange dream keeps coming back to me, like it really happened, but in a different lifetime.
...unreality, sensationalized.
Whenever I close my eyes, I feel like I'm about to doze off, and then that dream reappears in the depths of my mind and I force myself to wake. Such a dream is not to be thought of, repititively as I am doing so at the moment. I should stop writing about it... 'cause writing about it really doesn't help the cause of forgetting about it.
I really love this line from Anne Lammot's
Bird by Bird "Short Assignments" -
Writing can be a pretty desperate endeavor, because it is about some of our deepest needs: our need to be visible, to be heard, our need to make sense of our lives, to wake up and grow and belong. It is no wonder if we sometimes tend to take ourselves perhaps a bit too seriously.What if writing keeps me sane? (Even though, it's all just ramblings?) She articulates it the way I would. More quotes from her later. She's a witty one.
I still can't believe I dreamed that. I find myself yearning to have what I had in the dream, but at the same time I want to demolish all the hope it brought. It's that type. That type you want to run away from just to get closer to it.
Now all my work laid before me, my mind is still wandering. Walking around like a gloomy shadow trying to piss my soul off.
Should log off and get some work done... I really should.
Normalcy, should I settle for this?
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the stone in my shoe // 9:28 am
As I was heading out of The House today, I put on my boots and felt this disruption where my toes should've been. I walked out, ignoring it. A mistake.
It was so irritating that as I approached Earl St. (a street very near my home), I walked all the way back home and had to change the darn boots. As I was changing boots, that innocent-looking rock rolled out of the boot.
It glared at me and I glared back.
For a moment I was lost in this unreal world where only the rock and I stood there and a million things went through my head.
1. The precious metaphor and how applicable it is in my life.
2. How uncomfortable that little thing could make a big (giant) thing like me.
3. How easily irritated am I?!
4. Poor stone.
(Only 4 out of a million.)
In one postulation, my mind veered to someone who is like a stone at the bottom of my boot, at the bottom of my heart and/or mind that I've been trying to roll out. I want to crush it, I want to kick it away, but it's like it has feet and comes crawling back into my mind, my heart.
Then I thought... gosh, rocks, stones, pebbles are really kind of annoying little things that are hard to get rid of. The only way you really... get rid of them is through erosion... etc. So, in the same way, maybe this pebble at the bottom of my heart needs to be eroded to be gotten rid of. Slowly, slowly, it'll take time. It has eroded a lot already... but still. It's still there. (I have went to this state of mind before. Re-visitation.) It's too hard to just roll it out.
I think too much. Just a little stone, seriously.
Lighten-up, darling.
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time is crawling by...... // 2:58 am
ever... so.......... slowly..................
BOREDOM.
Everything's just going over my head now. I see turtles... swimming.
I'm in the middle of my 19th C Victorian Prose class and I feel like I am going to fall over...... and melt into the floor with boredom.
Counting down... 8 minutes left until freedom. Someone please shoot me until then.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
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something interesting to share // 4:42 am
The Oatmeal.com is a very stimulating site. Fascinating stuff! If you missed that click
here.
For instance, if you would like to find out how to use an apostrophe, you can check this out:
Find out how to use an apostrophe.Or if you wanted to know how likely your loved ones are going to eat you, please click
here.
Or if you were interested in why
How Long You Can Survive On The Surface Of The Sun. By all means, click away!
OR if you were interested in Santa Claus:
click.
Those are just some of my faves. More to come later?
In general, The Oatmeal . com is a fun site to be on. It's an excellent time-killer. I've spent an hour on it already.
Back to schoooooool (work)! *vomit*
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
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sensationalized reality II // 3:55 am
The course is really forcing me to think about my writing as a creative process (I'm talking about WRIT295 Literary Non-Fiction).
Everything feels totally surreal at the moment. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I've been away for too long from this place. I feel like I must be more on guard here than anywhere else. It's kind of like... a separate reality.
It's so drama queen to say this... but I'm terrified to get hurt. So I'm pushing things away. I'm being aloof. I think people might think I'm scared of them or hate them, but I don't? I don't know. I feel awkward around people I don't usually feel awkward around. It's not so much the awkwardness, but the... unnerving feeling I feel... or uncomfort. I feel very uncomfortable. I don't like being on edge, but I feel like I have to be.
Also, school is starting to stress me out and stuff hasn't even started yet. I need direction. I feel like a blind ferret walking into things I shouldn't be.
The cold isn't helping. I feel far away from my best friend and the other one.
Leadership position is also proving to be really difficult. Diplomacy is something I still haven't got down just yet. I wish some things didn't necessarily have to be learned and can just be downloaded into one's mind (like in
Chuck). Stress is going to start smothering me in this area too. There's so much responsibility to shoulder.
The semester is off to a really strange start. I don't feel that sense of belonging anywhere. Here in Stauffer..... people behind me are annoying me. Move. But I don't feel like it. My fingers feel stiff now.
Thank goodness... 感情生活一片空口... let's not jinx it.
Monday, January 11, 2010
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last friends // 12:17 pm
残酷な現実が二人を引き裂けば
より一層強く惹かれ合う
いくらでもいくらでも頑張れる気がした
I'm just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love
ありふれた日常が急に輝きだした
心を奪われたあの日から
孤独でも辛くても平気だと思えた
I'm just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love
- - -
It hurts just to watch.
You can't help it. It just hurts.
The words... are so... right.
Friday, January 08, 2010
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revisiting songs of long ago // 1:24 pm
... this was so long ago. So so long ago.
Jacky Cheung songs really never outdate. This is a pretty good duet I used to listen to when I was young:
Click.Anyway, another really good song... for the same TVB drama... from years ago.
似醉還未醉by 張學友
不用說 開心不需理由
苦也甘於接受
在那風光都變舊 再敘頭
知道甚麼不可強求
*為甚我 望見昨天依戀
心痛掛念又回頭
在你背後為甚我這麼 明知不捨得的都要放手似醉還未醉之間散聚 是你是誰這晚其實我不足夠
但卻不敢再開口
似醉還未醉之間散聚 別記著誰
趁我還沒有捉緊你
盡快推開我的手
別講出感受*
守望你 一天一天過後
酒也終於變舊讓我千杯都喝下 抱著頭
醒了便知心底更愁
Repeat *
今日我 只得一點渴求
給我清風兩袖
願你一生可快樂到盡頭
給你付出 不需理由
What a sappy song, but his voice really tells all the agony with softness and sentimentality. It's all in the voice!
What a terrible MV too!
Click to watch?
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sensationalized reality // 10:54 am
Michael Li's words. It makes so much sense and it's really applicable! I think if I made a new blog, that's what it's going to be called. It's quite lofty wording though... not down to earth at all. But when am I ever... "down to earth".
Anyway, I am taking a course that requires me to write creative non-fiction. It's my first correspondence course ever! (Kind of anxious about it... but very excited! It'll really test my self-discipline which I self-proclaim to lack.) Will update on how that's going.
Something I must share, most intimate readers. I am slowly beginning to recognize the ominous truth: I am gullible and, sadly, quite ignorant and oblivious.
My best friend often tells me I am a victim of too-often-giving-people-the-benefit-of-the-doubt and that causes me to let my guard down too easily.
And I am beginning to come to terms with that.... it's hard to admit... but I guess when the blatant truth is put before you... I mean it can be quite dangerous trait.
Then how should I begin
To spit out the butt-ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
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miscellaneous // 4:48 am
Cut! New image - it's the Twiggy look ;)
Some random things to jot down.
Johnny Depp has twinkling eyes. Smart and a little wicked. Connie said: "Like he's winking at you even when he's not." A jokester. I like. Nothing is permanent, not even death. People keep asking me "Why do you keep saying that?!" and "It makes no sense." But I don't know. I just really like the way Depp said it... in his voice. Only he can do THE VOICE.
Got nowhere in Middlemarch. It's probably the worst thing to read. Ever (okay, I lie. It's not horrendous but it's pretty tedious). I'm making no progress. It makes me sad that momo is far along and I'm lagging behind.
Taking down the tree today... goodbye for another year.
One of the reasons why I love Eliot is because of how you can never really put a finger to what his intentions are. Maybe a little anti-Semitic... but maybe not. While reading about his poetry today I came across the term "non-Euclidean geometry" and Dali's Persistence of Memory. Interesting.
Bits to share from "Sweeney among the Nightingales" (I like this rhyme scheme... should attempt to write one using a-b-c-b):
The circles of the stormy moon
Slide westward toward the River Plate,
Death and the Raven drift above
And Sweeney guards the hornèd gate.
...
Slips and pulls the table cloth
Overturns a coffee-cup,
Reorganised upon the floor
She yawns and draws a stocking up;
The silent man in mocha brown
Sprawls at the window-sill and gapes;
The waiter brings in oranges
Bananas figs and hothouse grapes;
(To be quite honest, sometimes I don't really understand him at all... I just like the way he puts words together and the words he puts on the same page and same line. Meaning/interpretation = something totally different for me with this man.)
I need to get back into creative writing mode. Haven't written in awhile... and I feel like my pen is drying up. Not a good feeling at all.
Oh Muses, why have you forsaken me?
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
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should i venture into // 2:20 pm
Last Friends?
Japanese drama with domestic violence... abuse... maybe rape... :/ pretty heavy stuff for the final week of holidays, no? I should just sleep.
But that superb Utada Hikaru song "Prisoner of Love" was apparently the opening for it... and I just found out?
Anyway --
Baby come back to me
(come back)
I'll be everything you need
(come back)
You're one in a million...
eww... what BAD lyrics...they're so...bleh.
But I still like her voice a lot. Sigh... now it's stuck in my head.
P.S. westail is flyin' out tomorrow. Safe flight!
Monday, January 04, 2010
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imaginarium // 1:13 pm
Human imagination is limited to only what we know.
"You can't control the way you feel, only what you do about it." from Being Erica... what a time-killer soapy show. It's also very Canadian.
Anyway Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus was a reaaaallllly good movie.
I wonder, if I entered the imaginarium... what would come of it? And, what would I choose? Questions questions. I loved the movie.
Lots to say/talk about but at the moment I feel light-headed.
I am but a shard of aimless matter if forbidden to speak out.
Let's think about Tithonus for a bit. Parnassus reminds me of him.
Let's leave you with a quote:
"Can you put a price on your dreams?"
Sunday, January 03, 2010
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burying the hatchet // 12:06 pm
Well, it's about time right?
2010... maybe it's about time.
Or is the new year... just an
excuse?
Friday, January 01, 2010
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MMX // 2:05 pm
Eliot has a way of enrapturing my heart. It wrenches into a tight fist when I read. When I am able to release, it's too late. His words have already sunken in. Entrenched so deeply, I feel nauseous, light-headed and disgusted with the world.
Raw words thrown around on a page that for some reason... seems very random but for some reason feeds my vapid, aimless soul. I don't think this is a healthy way to start the new year.
But alas,
Because I do not hope to turn again
Because I do not hope
Because I do not hope to turn
Welcome 2010. The endings always seems a little blurry to me. Blank drawing.
So, here - a treat. Instead of hearing me talk, have a little Eliot. An excerpt from my new obsession: "Rhapsody on a Windy Night"
Twelve o'clock.
Along the reaches of the street
Held in a lunar synthesis
Whispering lunar incantations
Dissolve the floors of memory
And all its clear relations,
Its divisions and precisions
Every street-lamp that I pass
Beats like a fatalistic drum,
And through the spaces of the dark
Midnight shakes the memory
As a madman shakes a dead geranium.
End quote. End year. End.
auld lang syne
Put your shoes at the door, sleep, prepare for life.
