talking of Michaelangelo.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
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insomnia, you're not a friend // 1:57 pm
BURNOUT, but the body won't let me rest...
I shut my eyes, but sleep evades me...
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deep impressions // 11:55 am
Just got home from the hospital. It's the first time being in the Intensive Care Unit. The place was sterile, and bright. It was solemn; an air of heaviness. Mixed emotions, humiliation, exhaustion, fight, breathing. Sympathetic smiles all around. Heart-rending, really.
It was and still is the mother's territory. It was her fighting ring, her territory. It was where they all met, all fought together, laughed together. And now, they are still laughing there, still hiding each others' shame, still making friendly jabs. I hated at that moment, how fleeting these were. How difficult it was for everyone. How natural it seemed. I hate the fragility of it all. How one little twist and it's all downhill.
How could I not help it and think, "out of all my friends... who would be by my side like that?"
From morning to night, not leaving the bedside doing the dirtiest work any human could think...
No, no. No, this experience certainly wasn't like The Memory. That horrific... I still can't forget the fluorescent lights that night. How they were dim... kept getting dimmer. The other beds. The occupied ones, the unoccupied ones. The coldness, not in temperature, the chills inside. The Memory still plagues me. I thought I would be afraid to go to a hospital again. (I still remember how.... difficult it was for me. How my heart still grows hairs when I think of it. This frigid feeling comes over me.)
No, it certainly wasn't like that.
Nor was it like Ken's birth. The birth was more like... a whole daze to me. This was... somehow different.
I did touch her hand. I told her she will be better. I told her to come out of the hospital soon. She needs to. They need her. I wanted to cry or express some deep tumbling feeling, but I couldn't there. I want to cry now. I am afraid, but I know how strong she is. I told her good night and she laughed. How fearful... how fearless... how vulnerable... raw and naked... How fragile... how fragile...
I can't find the words. I hate being like this. Not sounding articulate.
I was shocked to find out after that....
I hate how contrived, how stupid this post sounds I hate it.
I want to cry.
Monday, March 28, 2011
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stolen latin from a wise friend // 9:44 am
verba volant, scripta manent
Ukulele timbre - I've been playing around with picking lately instead of strumming... I don't know which I prefer, but they're so pleasantly different.
lalala so if you have a minute why don't we go
talking 'bout it somewhere only we know...
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casablanca // 6:36 am
Paul Henreid is a beautiful man.
Oh, Humphrey Bogart and his sad eyes when he looks at her.
"Here's to looking at you, kid."
Thursday, March 24, 2011
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old movies appreciation week // 10:31 am
Roman Holiday (I loved the not-happy ending in this movie.)
"At midnight, I'll turn into a pumpkin and drive away in my glass slipper!"
- Audrey Hepburn as Princess Ann
Adaptation (Gorgeous, meta film. You know how much I love meta.)
"I suppose I do have one unembarrassed passion. I want to know what it feels like to care about something passionately." - Meryl Streep as Susan Orlean
John Laroche: Because they're so mutable. Adaptation is a profound process. Means you figure out how to thrive in the world.
Susan Orlean: Yeah but it's easier for plants. I mean they have no memory. They just move on to whatever's next. With a person though, adapting almost shameful. It's like running away.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
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the people you meet and do not meet on the train // 8:19 am
strangers in the same space moving backwards at the speed of sun rays
Monday, March 21, 2011
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do you wear socks to sleep? // 9:28 am
Watching
Sleepless in Seattle...
"....it just means that your subconscious is attracted to their subconscious, subconsciously. So what we think of as fate is just two neuroses knowing that they are a perfect match."
and in an allusion to
An Affair to Remember:
"Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories... we've already missed the spring!"
Thursday, March 17, 2011
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in wonderland // 4:48 am
One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.
"Which road do I take?"
she asked. "Where do you want to go?"
was his response.
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat,
"it doesn't matter."
Sunday, March 13, 2011
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what i have stumbled upon at stumbleupon.com // 9:49 pm
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." — Marilyn Monroe
And from Notting Hill,
"Don't forget, I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her."
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T.S. Eliot-esque // 12:24 pm
I'll let the quote speak for itself.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
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the world forgetting by the world forgot // 9:41 am
Change your heart
Look around you
Change your heart
Will astound you
I need your lovin'
Like the sunshine
Everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime
Thursday, March 10, 2011
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something or other made me think of this quote randomly // 10:48 am
Don't know how this relates or applies in any way to my current state emotional situation....but here you are nonetheless, what drifts in my mind so drift here too I suppose...
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it ws the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly to Heaven, we were all going the other way."
Oh, Dickens.
Sunday, March 06, 2011
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happy ending // 1:19 pm
As she stared at the answer so bluntly
and so full-frontally in the face,
she finally realized.
"No, that is not what I meant at all. That is not it, at all."
She had known it deep down, but refused to acknowledge it.
She had seen it from the inside, but thought it would make her happy
to lie cruelly to herself. So she buried it so far under until she forgot that
it was all a filthy worthless lie to begin with.
Time to say good bye and start again.
Saturday, March 05, 2011
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this is real life // 9:49 pm
and these are my odds:
700/8000 - TDSB
20/80 - EDB Hong Kong
cue medley.
welcome to my silly life
mistreated,
misplaced,
misunderstood
mistaken,
always second guessing,
underestimated
If you really want more, scream it out louder,
If you're on the floor, bring out the fire,
And light it up, take it up higher,
Gonna push it to the limit, give it more.
You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine...
