If you are a dreamer, come in,
If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar,
A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer...
If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire
For we have some flax-golden tales to spin.
Come in! Come in!... for where the sidewalk ends. - Shel Silverstein

These fragments I have shored against my ruins. - T.S. Eliot

ren-ka // alias. karrot,kawun
dob.11.10.

I live in a world where
lobster and corn can be very
good friends.

. email .

i have known the eyes already
songs: Strokes
tvb: dinner at 8
kvariety: nil
kdrama: ryeo
twdrama: love O2O
anime: nil
book: Moveable Feast Ernest Hemingway
website: moonbeard
website: stumble
headache: the boy

about the layout
Credits to magnette from blogskins.com, mods made by me.
Lots of it is inspired by T.S. Eliot's Hollow Men and Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.

- brush up // 9:33 pm


Okaasan is coming so soon! I've missed her too much. Even with the language barrier, we have this tacit understanding of each other, of who we are and how much we love each other's company. I can't forget her corn soup and our laughter together. I want to speak to her again. PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE! Almost three years and she still crosses my mind all the time. She was always so happy to see me back home. Their rustic, beautiful homey home, always smelling of incense to chase away mosquitoes, the ceaseless crickets at night. I still remember crying my eyes out in her arms right before the airport and how exasperated otousan was, haha.

Stumbled upon this and Utada still never disappoints. (It's so perfect. Completely unrelated to this post other than the Japanese.)




- lingering // 12:16 pm

"Here's what I think, Theo. Writers are both awake and dreaming. They have to pay attention - to be mindful to all the small things in life, the details, whether ordinary or wonderful or terrible. Then they dream of what they can turn those details into. And if your life gets really difficult, Theo, there are two things you can do. You can force yourself to see people at a distance, like someone in a story. Then they'll lose their power over you. Or you can make up something better and escape it." - Cecily from Awake and Dreaming

Been meaning to post this for awhile. Re-read this childhood gem and it touched me once again. This is probably why I'm still writing.

More on Theo later.

"We make out of the quarrel with others, rhetoric,
but of the quarrel with ourselves, poetry." - W.B. Yeats

My eyes are puffy...
Home sweet ... home.




- juxtaposition // 9:17 am

, glistening lake and happy songs and feet dipping and singing; radiant sun and guitar-uke duets, warm laughter and dancing off the may flies; napping with lullabies of the waves

, growing puddles and bucketfuls of rain and clothes drenching and squealing; relentless storm and spoiled shoes, trilled laughter and leaping through the splashes; running with nothing ahead, but water, more water and more water falling

so happy together

Shimmery, Unforgettable

and now... time to dry up!




- // 8:45 am

Learning to love with no fear.




- these are a few of my favourite things // 1:14 am

Singing the song very loud (annoyed housemate, har har, who ended up singing along anyway). Pomplamoose did a very unconventional version of this. It's so strange it makes me smile.

Updated List
- Smelling brand new books, especially the ones where the seals haven't been torn off. (I get stares when I smell them. I don't think I'm the only one. I'm sure Meej loves to do it too.)
- Pointless workshops and complaining about them, with others who found them pointless.
- Waking up with wavy hair because I forgot to loosen the bun in the nighttime.
- Drenched by rain (until I'm indoors and cold).
- Victory Dancing
- My b, Grace, who wants to buy me a cactus, hahaha.
- My b, Grace, who insists on buying me too much food.

Always remembering my simple happies :)
Too little sleep (or the lack thereof altogether)
makes me extra jumpy and hyper.

The hills are alive with the sound of music

It rains and rains and rains and rains.

I'll leave you with a silly song for kiddos,
I just found a coconut in my lunch.
I just found a coconut in my lunch.
The inside's white and sweet and it's got more hair than me.
I just found a coconut in my lunch.

[Exeunt all, giggles heard overhead]




- makes me sing silly songs (out loud) // 7:06 am

It's a complicated relationship, the one I have with rain.

I want to be,
under the sea,
in an Octopus's garden
in the shade.

Been re-reading something I'd read when I was much littler, but more on that later. It's a children's fiction, but it brings me to Keats.

was it a vision or a waking dream?
Fled is that music- Do I wake or sleep?




- Endorphins // 10:18 am

...from food is overwhelming. It actually has the power to alter my mood drastically. Key to my happiness? Feed me. (I'm so gluttonous, it's sinful. Unforgettable binge-eating with Chiyo. What we called "eating the street" was all too satisfying and made me reminisce about Japan days. Bento, crème brûlée crepe, yummmmmm. Thick cut fries and vinegar, thick pattied extremely scrumptious burgers, mmm. Spicy udon to end it all off and hot bubble tea. I almost died of fullness and satisfaction. Oh, and happiness.)

And so, just like that, the nightly walks by the lake come to an end.

Though aloneness is nice, the constant trepidation of getting attacked overpowered the enjoyable aspects of laying down by the lake. Aloneness allows one to be engulfed with the vastness, the thoughts that creep into you in the dark, in the chill... Juxtaposes with having cheerful company slightly forces you to exchange thoughts, break silences.

Can't really say which I enjoy more. It would be nice to find someone who understands and enjoys comfortable silences to lake with.

Lately, there has been a certain lugubrious feeling. It is difficult to convey it.

K: I'm really going to miss this. You?
L: [Nonchalant] I guess.
K: We're probably never going to have another chance to do something like this... You are just so bad at keeping in touch.
L: Haha, yeah.
K: So this is probably the last time I'll see you then.
L: Stop being so lame. We'll make it happen if we want to keep in touch.
[Silence ensues and thoughts blowing into the biting wind.]
L: You really get too attached.

Yeah, I suppose.

The slowly but surely emptying of my room
is making me feel uncomfortably unraveled.

In the 416, thinking about yesterdays in the 613.
Seven hours left, portfolio progress is... lacking.




- did you run? // 10:56 am

How could I almost forget the sublime of the symphony of waves.

When you lie there, it's almost like you can be with them,
their never ending roars and lulls.

One rolls to the shore slow while another, stronger, further away crashes. Percussion. So the sound is greater, but distance blurs it. Sometimes, like a crescendo, sometimes in sforzando. One echoes another like they are calling to each other, again and again and again.

Strangely, it reminds me of the bird in the Mira,
that can only see the other through the Mira.

Every where I turn, I could conjure memory's ghosts; if I just reached my fingers far enough, I could feel it, smell it, hear it again like it was happening all over again. Like I could conjure the shimmery ghosts from a Pensieve and live it again. The anxious ghosts, the triumphant ghosts, the apprehensive ghosts, the defeated ghosts, the delighted ghosts, the ghosts that won't and may never go away.

No, I went on a walk to erase,
but nothing would erase away.




- INSENSITIVE // 11:37 pm

The scab has already gone moldy but it's still there.
Why did you have to pick at it? How can you be so oblivious to the fact that
it still hurts me?

You've known me for HOW MANY YEARS NOW? And still,
you do the same thing and you can't see that that is the reason
I can't deal with it, can't deal with you? Are you doing this on purpose?

Because every time I finally seem like I'm okay with it,
you do it again. Just because you are you doesn't mean
you can get away with hurting me.

I don't want to know. Just don't tell me.
I really don't want to know.




- ♪ believe me, you'll be in my heart // 8:16 pm

Always, I'll be with you,
I'll be there for you always, always and always
just look over your shoulder
just look over your shoulder...

Lately, I have been meeting with a series of people I absolutely love to bits... and the whole letting go thing hurts so much. I don't want to lose my place in their lives but it seems like that's what will happen inevitably.

Will they still remember me in years to come when I'm faraway and old and grey? More importantly, will we still be able to keep our camaraderie, our stomachache inducing laughter... will we still be able to openly share our ardent tears, our struggles?

I once said, (and they say I'm still quoted for it) "If it were not for CSA I would not have had any friends." It's mostly true, and I suppose they tried to sum up all the tumbling emotion I had thrown into that impromptu speech with that quote; but there was so much more to it. They've missed the fact that I care so, so deeply about each and every one of them (even the lazy ones, haha). I can't even begin to fathom how I managed to bond with new people, the younger generation of the team even within the last short months of being here.

The all-nighters we pulled together, the failing egg tarts, the fire alarms we tried our best not to set off (haha!), the singing, dancing. Those moments, weeks, years of blood, sweat and tears. Someone said that I gave a lot of myself to the team. I did. The seeds I sowed, I reaped in abundance.

My team, I still call you my team... I watched you grow with me and struggle with me. You taught me how to be better and you made the best part of me tick. You made me shine. I strained myself for you and I pushed you all to be better.

I won't can't forget any of you; even if by the end of it all, we're all just acquaintances, I'll hold you in the highest regard. Each and every one of you has so much potential... and whatever you take away from this, that I/we was/were able to give you... I hope you take it away and keep it forever and remember those amazing times of inefficient meetings and pure camaraderie. It'll be hard to find it again anytime soon I think.

To the general public, our efforts may have meant nothing. We were just some silly social association nobody will remember beyond their last year... but I hope at least you all remember how it was to be part of something, regardless of big or small.

None of you belong to my past, because I will carry each one of you with me, your smiles, your encouragement, your spirits. And they will in turn carry me forward to wherever I go. As my prof said, "You are the sum total of each person you have ever met." You, my friends are a huge part of my sum. And I can never thank you enough for it.

It's time to go... but I'm not ready.




- feeling indigo // 2:15 am

"You shouldn't be giving your heart to every little creature and fragment that crosses your path."

How can I not?

Too much sentimentality! Oh, Yeats.
"Rhetoric is fooling others. Sentimentality is fooling yourself."

Why is it like this every time. I forget how it was before you.
So muddled. Waiting like this is painful.

The discomfort might just be too much. I need a hiatus.

And then there's this...
"Memory is a bruise still tender," he thinks. "History is a rusted pile of blades and manacles. And forgetting can sometimes be the most creative and life-sustaining thing that we can ever hope to accomplish. The problem happens when we become too good at forgetting. When somehow we forget to forget, and we blunder into circumstances that we consciously should have avoided."
- from Soucouyant

Now what do I do?

You're allowed to be forgetful,
just don't forget me.




- excursions in the rain // 11:14 am

Reminder to self: Never wear flats in the rain.
Cold, wet feet are no fun. Nuh-uh!

Jenn and I had a mini-road trip today, drove across the lake... The field trip experience was unsuccessful but it was relaxing and warm, even with the rain pouring down in bucketfuls outside.

We're going to build a little log house
out of wet branches and sticks.

I absolutely love listening to her speak of her aspirations, she's so impressive; she carries herself with such class and grace. She articulates well and goes after what she wants with such optimistic determination, firmly grasping things she loves and loves to do. She lives a different life, but she finds a way to fit it all in here. She's a great deal more resourceful and knowledgeable than I. I always feels like I'm trying to sap her knowledge. Her competent mind for business astounds me. And she knows so much about the food industry and marketing for restaurants. (Food talks with her make me hungry and are always so fun.) I always want to learn and be interested in things she's interested in. I want to learn to garden and make lovely gourmet food.

There's always so much laughter and jibber-jabber. Going to miss her way too much... Can't wait until she and Harrison finally tie the knot (so that I have an excuse to go to Korea, haha). Why do I keep feeling like she's my long lost older sister...

Happy times always feel so short-lived.
How do I get so close to people so easily
and then lose them to circumstance?
Maybe I'm starved for affection or something
(and seek it anywhere I can get it,
even though I'm all too aware that
it may very well just be transient).

Sharing an umbrella is so heart-warming.
Huddling together, us-against-the-world kinda thing.

Walks in the rain would've been lovely
if my feet just weren't so cold.

On happy times, shamefully, I think it's really the first time I connected with one of the people I've lived with for a year. The transience irks me. Anyhow, I've always been too quick to fish out her flaws, that and hiding, afraid she'll/they'll bite. I haven't been good, so I shouldn't deserve anything good in return.

French braids are so elegant, when done well.
She taught me, but I lack practice. The to do list grows.

On other happies... a spontaneous dinner and hours-long talks are so fun, especially when there's so much laughter and so much trust... And you know what? You're right. "We talk like we're 40" and I think we'll laugh about the same things every time and we'll never grow bored of. You teach me so much and make me laugh until tears pour out. -- Not that you'll ever read this, 'cause you think this is lame, haha. Survivor and seafood.

This reminds me of my missing the twins, have they disappeared into their own beautiful world again? That world I tried so hard to enter? If I were them, I would be the same. This time and world wasn't made for them, or maybe it's the other way around; they weren't made for this time and world. They belong to an older, slower, better world.

Must be the rain.
The rain makes me miss people far too much.....




- some things never change // 11:32 pm

Because I'm a coward, I've deleted the vent that I wrote in a storm last night at around 2:54am; infuriated by the whole system. It started with @#$%&^*()... but I'll drop some remnants of it here...

[Vent. Why don't you start walking the walk instead of just talking it?
She's had enough of the jargon. "HYPOCRITES!" She cried, exploding with anger.

We are just a cookie cutter factory.
We are just a cookie cutter factory.
We are just a cookie cutter factory.
And you are all cookie cutters yourselves.

Do you even care if we're cookie cutters or not?

She never wants it to be that way.
Never. Never. End Vent.]

(Damn it, I hate how I find all the answers
after I'm done the thing.)

As for what never changes?
I still look like a mixed breed of cave woman panda when I come out of paper nights... gaunt and my hair flailing all over the place. Will this be the last?




- the world is my oyster II // 11:42 pm

Between classes; these moments will be rare now.
(Why does it seem like it's almost ending? Maybe 'cause it is.)

I want my oyster: There's been a previous post on this...
but more than ever, today, now... I want to explore!

A fellow TC who just came back from teaching in Tanzania said so enthusiastically to me today, (and it sucks to just see it in words, but just remember how her face that lit up and overflowed with passion), it totally trumps the cheese of this, "This is really just the beginning. You should just go! You have all the time and all the world to explore." She spoke of the hard work, the exhaustion, the rewards. She spoke of snorkelling and her initial trepidations and how much everything grew on her. Jealous. One day, soon.

Destination: Tanzania. Bucket List.

There's just too much I want to do.
Too many places I want to see,
too many people I want to meet,
too many things I want to eat.

Talk of the Reggio-Emilia (incorporating art, etc.) approach
and then talk of going to Italy to train for this program.
Someday, I will be there; it sounds like an invaluable experience.

Destination: Italy. Bucket List.

Let's teach children how to marvel again - I hope I never lose that ability, the ability to marvel and I hope I have the ability to teach how to marvel at the world, at everything in the world. And imagine and dream!

"The Hundred Languages of Children" Exerpt

The child
is made of one hundred.
The child has
a hundred languages
a hundred hands
a hundred thoughts
a hundred ways of thinking
of playing, of speaking.
A hundred always a hundred
ways of listening
of marvelling, of loving
a hundred joys
for singing and understanding
a hundred worlds
to discover
a hundred worlds
to invent
a hundred worlds
to dream.
The child has
a hundred languages
(and a hundred hundred hundred more)
but they steal ninety-nine.

The lady who gave the talk taught in Bangkok and she was sharing one of her projects she did with her kids. BANGKOK! They studied elephants for a few months exploring different art forms, molding and creating their own elephants, the physiques, comparing sizes. And you know what she did? You'll never guess. SHE BROUGHT IN A BABY ELEPHANT. Like from her backyard or something. Just like it was an everyday most ordinary thing to do! She compared the foot size of the elephants' to the children... I almost exploded. A BABY ELEPHANT. Oh my goodness. Waaant!

Destination: Thailand. Bucket List.

[Repost: Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.]

Please, never forget this...
and the surge of energy,
the desire to run away, fly away,
let loose and go!

Let's all do some marvelling today, shall we? :)




- little glutton // 2:54 pm

Butter Chicken Poutine.
"You eat like a baby dinosaur." *Cackles*




- hey, you there... excuse me, but did i happen to leave my heart with you? // 10:32 pm

"There are no flowers here. These are diaspora."




- pond full of regrets? // 12:03 pm






- miscellaneous happies // 2:43 am

Just got word from my associate teacher that Robert Munsch wrote in reply to "my" kids' letters! Unbelievable. A unit that I planned, delivered and evaluated... it was acknowledged. How can this be? I feel so much happiness I feel like I could burst! He took the time to reply to my letter and I'm just a mere little.... A FAMOUS PROLIFIC WRITER WROTE TO ME AND MY KIDS! I feel so, so proud of my kids. They put in so much effort! It's going to be framed in the library for the whole school to see!




- i would like a babelfish in my ear please // 10:41 am

Thomas has been left in my windmill room accidentally. I am feeling rather glum about that. The mother said she'll give Thomas a shower while I'm gone (otherwise known as throw him into the laundry machine amidst the brother's smelly socks, yuck). I still have Paddington and Sterns here with me, but still... Thomas must miss my frolicking about. Why must I project my humanity onto my Thomas... he's better than that.




- why so vulnerable? // 1:58 pm

I am wide. Awake. I can't fall asleep. My system is falling apart! I'm going back to my nocturnal state of existence... Ahhh, who's stealing my sleep?




- dissonance of places // 7:30 pm

"Remember, birds don't have anything to cling to when they fly, just the air. Don't you want to fly?"

The zoo was glorious. I'm so happy I got to go. I loved every moment of it and just sitting there looking and talking to them was so... satisfying. It's like I finished something that I had always wanted to do. Animal tea-parties are not absurd. I'm still convinced they happen. Didn't get to see zebras and lions and elephants though... Really brought back some childhood images like... Madeleine, the little orphan girl and the tiger in the cage.

The gravity of certain moments... is so difficult to put into words sometimes.

I was taken to the hospital again, right after. It was slightly disconcerting to the system. I felt thrown off course. She's doing fine, but I thought she looked even weaker than before. They all say she's getting better, but why is she still the way she is? Pale and gaunt like that. I wanted to touch her hand to make her understand that I wanted to give her something in some way. She felt so far away and I felt so awkward.

I can't put those two together coherently... it all felt so random like two different worlds colliding in the same life. I'm never in one place at one time, I feel. I'm always somewhere in between or losing track of where I am.

Fatigue setting in.




- under my skin // 4:29 am

for people just waiting.

Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, covering
Earth in forgetful snow...




- Les temps sont durs pour les rêveurs. // 7:25 am

aaron.
alvsze.
dani.
helen.
jon yu.
kawai.
linda.
mike.
ness.
peas and duck.
sally.
sam.
steph.
twiggers.

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