talking of Michaelangelo.
Monday, January 04, 2016
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alternatively // 4:33 pm
2015? Gone? Went by without reflection or thought. (Shit, that's bad.)
When I think back, there were so many moments that had a little shimmering quality to it. Moments with sprinkled spark. I was proud, relieved, confident. I was spoiled and loved and taken care of. Most of the time, I wasn't lonely. And I experienced
real. The
real real.
In retrospect, I can admit that I have become more set in my ways. A bit more stubborn. More serious. Humours falling away a little bit. I felt significantly less foolish. (Though, I would like to think that I have retained a little bit of silly.) There is an overwhelming feeling that I am growing older. Bones, stiffer. Hair, growing slower. The people around me too, the world feels older. (And, have I become colder, while those around me became warmer? Is it that monster looming about, more awake than ever?)
It wasn't all good. I fell out of myself sometimes too. I fell out of myself and saw that I couldn't keep doing this. The same kind of busyness, the same kind of repeated motions that I'm doing, that I might never leave. I was scared of that stagnancy but I know I'm simultaneously molding into it and when I fall out and realize and acknowledge it for what it is and what it's making me become... it's terrifying.
Something made me think of this today again, it's a bit sad. Hope, with all its bright blooming colours and banners, to me is still just the eighth sin.
I don't know what the f* I'm writing about anymore... have I not written in so long that I've lost it? The smooth articulation of thought that came so easily to me before? Ugh, let's move on.
[alternatively] I saw this word in
Sherlock's new Christmas special and I had no idea the meaning but it stuck with me. I didn't understand what it is to go away into another "alternative" time. To be an alternative me. But, can I? Still don't know where 2016 will take me and I have no idea where I want to take it. So, what should I do now? I know what I don't want. I don't ever want to fall out of myself and be so surprised by it that I am unable to grasp my bearings again.
More writing this year. More thinking and more writing. Necessary, necessary.
